UnNews:Michael Schumacher to undergo therapy for recent road rage incident
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 August 2010
BERLIN, Germany -- Formula One racing legend Michael Schumacher is to agree to undergo road rage treatment after he nearly crashed another driver into a concrete wall at the Hungarian Grand Prix.
The controversial winner of seven Forumla One championships, Schumacher is reported to be 'ready' to take time out on a psychiatrist's couch following the road rage incident in Hungary when he tried to steer his Mercedes Grand Prix car into the path of former team mate Rubens Barrichello and force him out of the race. Though there was no accident this time, Schumacher initially blamed Barrichello for driving too close to him, Der Racing Meister and then later added that all Brazilians were bad drivers anyway and cited Nelson Piquet Junior as a good example of this after the latter had crashed into the concrete back in 2009 during the Singapore Grand Prix.
However after a strong protest from Barrichello and Barichello's mum, Schumacher has now been convicted of road rage and will now have to start at the back of the grid at the next Grand Prix in Belgium in a few weeks. He will also be expected to see a psychiatrist to see why he has always been an arrogant, angry little turd.
Michael has agreed to leave his home in Gland, Switzerland and come to our clinic, said Professor Hans Strudelberger at the Institut Der Strassen-Raserei in Heidelberg, Germany. We have been following his driving ever since he appeared in his first Grand Prix back in 1991. We also think he has a problem about Brazilians as his first act was to boot Roberto Moreno out of his Benetton Formula One car and drive that instead. Besides Brazilians, Michael also developed problems with British drivers, Canadian drivers..in fact, all drivers and would often lose his cool when he saw them looming in his wing mirrors. The incident in Hungary is just another example but I am sure we here at the Institute can cure Michael.
Accompanying Michael to the clinic will be his wife Corinna. She is an ex-girlfriend of another Formula One driver Heinz-Harald Frentzen until Schumacher ran him off the road and drove off with Corinna in the mid 1990s. The doctors at the clinic hope Corinna's presence will be able to calm her husband down as he is strapped to the couch. They may also have more ulterior motives (as least for the male doctors) as her blonde, buxom looks have in the past cast plenty of trouser rage in years gone by.
Before he was tied up and lead into the clinic, Michael Schumacher was allowed a few brief words before the gimp mask was put on his face:-
I am not a road rager! I just hate having to share the road with schiesse drivers, especially if they come from Brazil. The English and Scots are no better. Damon Hill got in my way in Australia in 1994 and David Coulthard deliberately slowed down at the 1998 Grand Prix in Spa when I ran into the back of his piece of crap. I am being victimised because I am German and successful.
A spokesman at the Mercedes Grand Prix team said that for Schumacher's next race, they are going to fit in an Anger Management Control unit into his cockpit which will activate 'the moment Michael gets the 'Red Mist' and cut out the engine for a few seconds. The engineer said the other alternative was an ejector seat but that might take a few more months to finish.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Michael Schumacher needs to do more than just apologise" Daily Telegraph, August 03, 2010