UnNews:Michael Jackson aborts lovechild

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 December 2006

Michael Jackson, prior to the series of plastic surgery procedures that disfigured him

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - Pop singer Michael Jackson (1958 - 2006), during a self-imposed exile from the United States following his acquittal of child molestation charges stemming from sleepovers at his Neverland Ranch with underage males, made another image-shattering confession, admitting to having aborted his lovechild.

Jackson, or “Wacko Jacko,” as he is better known, has been a controversial figure in pop music and pop culture since he struck out on his own after leaving the Jackson Five, which consisted of his brothers and sisters, to skyrocket to fame on his own.

Although he said that he has a passion for children, especially the disadvantaged, his performances included several moments of crotch-grabbing and he would thrust and gyrate his hips suggestively throughout every performance.

One sister, LaToya Jackson, maintains that “Jacko is Wacko about little boys. Never leave one unattended in his presence.”

Wacko Jacko.

As a pastime, the reclusive singer, dancer, and alleged child molester underwent a series of plastic surgeries in a desperate effort to transform himself into a woman, including, it has been revealed for the first time, sex-reassignment surgery.

“He wanted to become a woman in every sense of the word,” the sex-reassignment surgeon, Dr. Ima Mann, said. “It was Ms. Jackson’s intent to conceive, bear, deliver, raise, and, perhaps, molest a child--or, more specifically, a male child--of her own.”

“Actually, Wacko made two attempts to become pregnant, the first time, by her own hand, so to speak, using her own semen and a turkey baster, and the second time, the traditional way,” Dr. Mann gushed divulged.

Dr. Mann would not reveal the name of the father of Wacko’s aborted lovechild, but an insider, Lisa Marie Presley, who wishes to remain anonymous, confirmed that the baby’s father is the late James Brown: “I offered to sleep with him, once, so he could have a child, but he refused for two reasons: I’m a woman, and Wacko doesn’t have sex with girls, and he wanted to make sure his--or her--baby had soul.”

Ms. Wacko‘s firstborn lovechild.

Wacko’s first attempt to conceive and bear live young succeeded, and he gave birth in Dragoon, AZ, to a healthy, if rather bizarre-looking, baby. However, the child, a boy, died of unknown causes at the age of 30 and is displayed as a roadside attraction in its hometown, inside a plain wooden casket behind a scarred Plexiglas cover. It clutches a miniature version of itself, known as the Thingette. Proceeds from the exhibit’s admission ticket sales go to the Michael Jackson Defense Fund.

Until recently, another anonymous source, Wacko's sister Janet Jackson, declared, “Even family members did not know that the Thingette was Wacko’s second attempt to conceive a child, this one fathered by an unrevealed man,” identified by Presley as James Brown, the music industry’s godfather of soul.

“Apparently, Ms. Jackson was disturbed,” Dr. Mann understated, “when ultrasound images taken early in her pregnancy suggested that the developing fetus would likely be female.”

“He wanted a boy, so he aborted the baby,” Presley charged. “It seems that he had the corpse put on display alongside his first lovechild, The Thing, in order to pay his mounting legal costs.”

Dragoon, AZ: the final resting place of "The Thing"

Wacko expired in 2006, shortly after his acquittal of child molestation charges in California. Reportedly, he was residing in Monaco at the time, although this has been disputed. Fans claim to have seen his ghost in his former bedroom at Neverland Ranch and at the site of his lovechildren’s final resting places in Dragoon, AZ. RoadsideAmerica.com offers a description of Wacko’s deceased children and directions to their gravesite, such as it is.

“I’m just glad I divorced the bastard before his career died,” Presley said. “Now, I don’t have to be known as ‘Wacko Jacko’s widow.’ I wish I’d never married him. I wish I’d never even met him.”

UPDATE: In a late-breaking story, the Clintons deny allegations that the former president has had sexual relations with Jackson.

Sources

• Anonymous "Dragoon, Arizona - The Thing, Mystery of the Desert" RoadsodeAmerica.com, December 26, 2006

• Anonymous "The Thing (tourist attraction)" Wikipedia, December 26, 2006