UnNews:Metallica front man in beard conspiracy

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16 September 2008

Metallica front man in beard conspiracy

It has been revealed that Metallica front man James Hetfield’s beard is not a homegrown masterpiece of pogonology (the study of beards), as its appearance would suggest. Through some clever covert investigation from Swedish investigative journalist, Peder Svensson, the countries leading broadsheet Göteborgs-Posten were able to report that Hetfield’s seemingly timeless beard is actually supplied by the one of the countries leading companies IKEA. Confidential documents have shown that for a number of years now the research and development department of IKEA has been creating prototypes of the beards and testing them on the mass market using Hetfield’s face as a blank canvas. Using the Metallica Frontman not only as a means to test the practical ergonomics of the beard but also hoping that such mass exposure of the product would lead to a high influx of sales of the beard when released in mid December 2008, just in time for Christmas. The pursuit of this story started when rumours of the Metallica front man’s strange personal life surfaced when a postal worker and delivery driver got on to the subject of Hetfield’s vast amount of mail whilst sharing a beer after a hard shift near Hetfield’s home in L.A. Both noted that the deliveries were nearly all from obscure addresses in Sweden, fuelling the rumours that Hetfield wore women’s clothing when alone and the packages were coming from the headquarters of Hennes & Mauritz clothing company, commonly known as H&M. When asked neither Hetfield or IKEA would shed any light on the subject and both retorted with a firm “no comment’, although the spokesperson for IKEA reportedly had a sly grin on his face.

In a completely unconnected but related story, it has also been revealed by an unnamed doctor in Los Angeles that the famous thrash metal playing stance of current Metallica bass player Robert Trujillo is not all that it seems. It was previously thought that the crouched open leg stance had been primarily for style and to fit in with the band’s thrash metal image. However the unnamed L.A doctor has reportedly let slip that after complaints of severe calf cramp it was discovered that a serious prolonged case of haemorrhoids, more commonly known as piles, had been ravaging Trujillo for some time. The reports suggested that after a course of medication it is hoped that the piles will sub-side and Trujillo can return to a more comfortable playing stance.

Sources

• "[www.gp.se "Iconic beard development of IKEA"]" Göteborgs-Posten, September 15, 2008

• "[Unnamed Doctor ]" ', Unknown