UnNews:Maybe for Valentine's Day, he'll get a piece of her heart

No bones about it: his “decorations” are the real deal!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 October 2010

PANAMA CITY, Florida -- A Florida man made a ghastly discovery when he learned from the police that his Halloween decorations are actually parts of a human cadaver.

Arthur Bean bought the remains at a local yard sale, from Abner Holloway, a resident whose wife went missing under mysterious circumstances in early July.

“We’re pretty sure that Mr. Bean bought what’s left of Gladys Holloway,” Police Chief Thomas Martin told Unnews’ Lotta Lies.

What aroused the Beans’ suspicion?

“There was something just a little too real about the head and the way the eyes seemed to follow you,” Arthur’s wife Debbie said. “It was eerie.”

“The smell was a little much, too,” Arthur added.

In addition to the woman’s head, which is decapitated, Arthur also bought the cadaver’s breasts, vagina, buttocks, and left leg. “Mr. Holloway was very reasonable--or so I thought--with his prices, letting me have everything for twenty dollars.”

“But, then again, I guess there’s not much of a demand for human body parts nowadays, except maybe among medical students,” Gladys suggested, “and maybe transsexuals.”

“Well, not unless you’re Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer,” Arthur quipped, chuckling.

“You’ll have to excuse Artie,” his wife said. “He gets like this around Halloween or on nights of a full moon.”

“I guess we’ll have to settle for jack-o-lanterns again this year,” Arthur mused, “unless I can pick up something better at another yard sale.”