UnNews:Matt Smith arrested

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11 June 2013

"This seems a bit of an overreaction. I didn't even take my pants off."

ENGLAND, Macrocosm -- Eyebrow-less freak and English actor Matt Smith, known for his staring role in the hit science fiction series Doctor Who over the past three years, was arrested this week for committing acts of buggery on a teenager in Hong Kong.

Smith had gone on holiday after filming for the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special was completed. "I should travel. I really don't travel as much as I would like," Smith joked on set, holding his already packed luggage and wearing a dǒulì.

However, rumours emerged that he molested one of the young locals. Smith furiously denied these accusations, until photos surfaced of him sodomizing a clearly pissed-off teenager while dressed in his Eleventh Doctor clothes and holding a sonic screwdriver.[1] "Okay, I confess, I assumed it was perfectly legal," contested Smith upon arrest. "I mean, come on. It's South Asia. What isn't legal there? You know, besides dissent."

Smith will appear in court before a judge in July for violating age of consent laws in England and Hong Kong, facing up to five years in prison. "I can't go to prison," Smith went on record whining. "I mean, there is no doubt that I could pull off a striped bow tie with an orange jumpsuit - that isn't the problem. I'm worried they'll open the crack and find Prisoner Zero, if you know what I mean."

The teen in the photograph, who wishes to remain anonymous and shall be referred to as Mr. X in this publication, described the event to UnNews in an exclusive interview over a webcam while playing Castlevania on a Game Boy. "Some British faglord thought it would be lulzy to put his cock in my ass," he said. "What a faggot."

We then asked him why he didn't go the police immediately, to which he explained that he was too distracted by his busy schedule of pwning the cesspool of raw uncondensed faggotry that is the internoobz. Mr. X then looked down at his plastic Pokémon watch, looked into the camera, shouted "LOLGER!!!" and turned it off. So much for that.

A public piranha, Matt Smith has been fired from Doctor Who, only to return briefly for the Christmas special, in which he will be kicked in the crotch by Colin Baker dressed as Santa Claus, causing the Eleventh Doctor to consequently regenerate. In the meantime, auditions are being held for the part of the next Doctor. Steven Moffat stated on BBC that he's looking for someone "with absolutely no genitalia, just to be cautious."


  1. While it has been confirmed to not be, ahem, doctored, it is currently the featured image of rule34.paheal.net as of this writing.