UnNews:Mathematicians prove P ≠ NPR
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24 October 2006
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ITHACA, New York -- Mathematicians today at Cornell University announced a proof that has confounded Mathematics and the Mormons for centuries. Described as one of the most important proofs in the field since π was discovered to be precisely three, this proof will change the face and pants of modern mathematics.
Simply put, the proof shows that P, which represents all decision problems that can be solved in polynomial time using a Turing machine and a pinch of love, is not in the set NPR, a national public radio network. Dr. Sven Svenstørenson, one of the mathemagicians involved with the proof, expresses it as such: "This discovery shows us that, although the complexity class of P is important, it's not important enough to be on Fresh Air or A Prairie Home Companion."
It is still under debate whether P can call in to Car Talk and ask about the squealing noise its '85 Chrysler Reliant makes while executing a sharp left. Dr. Svenstørenson says "The mutually exclusive nature demonstrated in the proof would make such an event a contradiction, therefore it can not happen. QED, by method of PMI, habeas corpus." Dr. Reefer McFreelove, Professor of MATHS at UC Berkeley, disagrees. "It's, like, a free country, man, and if P wants to call in to Car Talk, then P can call in to Car Talk. All this proof stuff is just a way for The Man to keep the complexity classes answering to the classical set theorist bourgeoisie."
This proof is a stepping stone to one of the so called Millenium Problems synthesized by the Clay Mathematics Institute, which offers seventy-four pesos to those that solve the problems. The mathematicians hope to get more funding from several government departments in the quantity of eleventy billion dollars so they can continue. Dr. Svenstørenson says, "The next step is to prove that, although P is not equal to NPR, P is equal to WIII, I-100 Classic Rock. This proof may be the key to helping us understand the undefined domain of intercourse having."
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- MC Erdos and G-Auss "Mathematics, a Masturbatory Odyssey" Let's nip on down to the pub for a pint, November 11, 1111