UnNews:Many new superheroes appear in Japan

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 April 2011

Modern superheroes are pleasantly humble guys.

FUKUSHIMA, Japan -- In the light of growing nuclear hysteria in Japan and elsewhere, one important fact has been mostly overlooked: Exposition to nuclear radiation does not always cause pimples, impotence, or leukemia. Every twelve-year-old knows that if you find yourself in the middle of a radioactive accident, you could as well gain superhuman powers like seeing through walls, flying, or turning into a spider or a green-skinned muscleman at will (or not).

Knowing this, it comes as no big surprise that the number of superheroes in Japan has skyrocketed in recent weeks. For example, many local Pokemons have skipped a couple of classes spontaneously. But the most remarkable thing is the frequent appearance of a mysterious new superhero called Blueman who seems to appear in all the places where people are in distress. This hero can be easily recognized by his simple blue clothing, though it seems that the typical superheroic cape has still to be tailored. In any case his most notable superpowers are super-deep bowing and a super-compunctious super-apology which makes the nuclear disaster fugitives in their cosy cardboard homes feel instantly better.

Many experts are convinced that Japan will be in dire need of superheroes sooner than later. If leaky radioactive water continues to be discharged into the Pacific, it will be days until the first prehistoric monsters and mutants rise from the peaceful ocean.

America, however, rightfully feels a little left out when other countries are able to produce superheroes by the dozen. President Barack Obama has already directed some funds to a new lightly funded ministry for special research on this issue, particularly on how an oil platform explosion could fail to elicit the faintest trifle of heroism. Does America really have to wait for an earthquake in California with all the resulting nuclear disasters until newer and greater superheroes might emerge with greater frequency and greater flair than that of Japan?