UnNews:Man cliff-dives into ice by mistake
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 March 2009
VANCOUVER, BC — Today many Americans have noticed that spring is very, very close. They seem, however, to be blissfully unaware that Canada (the country to the north of the US) is not as fortunate with its temperature.
Yesterday, it was reported that Charlie Vermont of Vancouver, Canada was visited by his somewhat "wild" and "insane" cousins Colin and Cedric Vermont. On the drive up to British Colombia, the two cousins noted the many large cliffs, and thought they might try cliff-diving, since it was spring and the ice should be melted.
The two cousins first saw their cousin in a tiny shack, and they assumed, judging by the paleness of Charlie's skin, that he (Charlie) had spent the entire winter hiding in the basement, away from the snow that "killed his wife" (who died of hypothermia). Determined to get their Canadian cousin out and about, the two dangerous American cousins, reportedly, violently grabbed their cousin, and decided to show him what kind of "fun" he'd been missing.
The cousins took Charlie to the highest cliff they could find overlooking a small lake. Charlie was screaming and pleading the cousins to let him go, but the cousins somehow thought "THE ICE HASN'T MELTED!!! NO!!!" to mean "ALRIGHT! LET'S DO THIS THING!", so the cousins threw their reluctant cousin off the cliff. Instead of the loud "SPASH!" sound they expected to hear, the cousins were horrified to hear an earsplitting "CRACK!". The cousins looked over the edge to see a large clump of ice with a reddish hole in the center shaped exactly like Charlie Vermont.
Charlie's body was later recovered by RCMP officers, who arrived at the scene an hour after the incident. The coroner reports that, despite falling from a 500-meter cliff into solid ice, Charlie died from hypothermia, as apparently he was still alive when the RCMP found him. The RCMP reportedly were interviewing the brothers while the "victim" was barely breathing "I'm...not...quite...dead...yet...". Because of this, the Crown is not sure who to prosecute for what crime: The cousins for murder, the cousins for manslaughter, the cousins for criminal negligence, the cousins for insanity, the RCMP for criminal negligence, or the RCMP for stupidity, although the lattermost charge has already been proven.
It just goes to show you that you should always look before you leap and/or throw someone off a cliff.
