UnNews:Mounties admit to intentionally tasering man to death

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 February 2009

These bastard Canadians are mad with power!

VANCOUVER, CANADA — We all knew Canadians were heartless, cruel bastards, but things have gone WAY too far now (probably because kilometers are shorter than miles, and they didn't know).

Recently (about a year ago), the completely innocent globetrotter Robert Dziekanski was minding his own business at the Vancouver Airport, asserting his right to randomly throw people's bags around, as well as throwing chairs through windows, when a group of Mounties came along and decided they could pretend he was "intoxicated" and "disturbing the peace" and "threatening their safety" so they could have fun at his expense. The bastard Canadians then started tasering the poor, innocent man (who was clearly only suffering from a bad headache), despite Mr.Dziekanski's cries of "DON'T TASE ME, BRO!" (this is odd, because he didn’t speak English). Dziekanski tried defending himself with a stapler, but this was clearly no match for 4 Stun Guns(TM). This continued on for about 3 hours, until the clueless Canucks noticed Dziekanski wasn't screaming anymore. The crooked Canadian cops then threatened to torture and kill anyone who told the truth about what happened (but I have witness protection, so don't worry about me).

Now, thanks to the efficiency of the Canadian Legal System, the Mounties in the incident were kindly asked to "talk about what happened", and not "brutally grilled for answers", as some biased news reports claim. One Retarded Canadian Moronic Police member claimed he thought Dziekanski was "unkempt, sweaty and angry, and kinda like other drunks I've tasered to d- I mean, handled". Clearly this idiot has not heard of "respect for the dead". The other RCMP officers are still in the "interrogation room" (and are staying in a five-star hotel, sources say). So far, the all of the 4 stooges have admitted that they deliberately tried to kill Dziekanski, but the patriot interrogators ignored them.

The Crown has said they will not persecute the Mounties, because they have offered to buy them drinks, and they've threatened to taser their puppies if they pressed charges.

Remember: before visiting Canada, always remember to wear a rubber suit.

If you can't find one, try covering yourself in rubber chickens.

Sources

• Ian Bailey "Bastard Mounties Lie to Themselves at Night" Globe and Mail, February 23, 2009