UnNews:Man buys Kmart just to get rid of its "shoddy" merchandise
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 May 2012
CLARK COUNTY, KY – We've all heard of giving away the store—but Rankin Paynter did just that, literally, when he purchased a local Kmart, lock, stock, and barrel—and proceeded to give away the merchandise!
“He's either generous as hell or crazier than hell,” K-Mart CEO Aylwin Lewis declared, as astonished as any of the discount superstore's other lowly employees—or “associates,” as the company calls those who slave away all day for their meager wages, without health benefits, so that Kmart shoppers can enjoy bargain prices during flashing blue light specials.
“I got the whole kit and kaboodle for $200,000,” Paynter said. “At that price, it was a steal.”
The store, Lewis admitted, was only two days away from closing its doors forever. “As a company we're not doing all that well,” he said. “We can't compete with real stores like Wal-Mart and Target.”
Paynter didn't keep the goods for himself, however. “Upon seeing the merchandise, I realized just how shoddy the stuff is,” he said, “and, hell, I decided I'd just give the crap away.”
His purchases ranged from clothes to office supplies. “There were even a couple of dildos,” Paynter said. “I'm not sure whether the store actually sold these items or some clerks left them behind, but the love toys ended up in the delivery, and there are a couple of delighted senior citizens among the recipients of my altruism.”
The ladies who received the marital aids, roommates and alleged lovers Edna Barlow and Louise Fletcher, asked to remain anonymous, agreeing that the penis-shaped devices will enhance their intimacy with one another.
Paynter said he has witnessed “a lot of economic suffering” since “Obama came to power. "The national debt has become unsustainable, even for the rich.” At jewelry stores, his friends, he said, “have had to settle, in many cases, for diamonds as small as five carets.”
He thought the contents of the Kmart might be “appreciated in these hard times. Maybe a roll of Charmin or a tube of Preparation H, which might not have been affordable otherwise, is making some poor soul more comfortable today than he or she might have been if a corn cob or an ice cube had had to be used instead.”
Clark County Community Services oversaw the distribution of the merchandise, although Paynter retained the authority to approve the awarding of certain items, such as the dildos and condoms. “Some people ought not to have sex at all,” he explained, “and others should have sex only with themselves. There's a lot of inbreeding in Kentucky, after all, and I'd say such goings-on have had a significant impact on the local economy, just as Obama and his homosexual cronies have devastated the national economy.”
According to Clark County officials, Paynter's generosity has “probably saved not only lives, but also the town—or, at least, the lower economic class.”
Paynter's charitable works are not finished yet, “not by a long sight,” he said. He plans to purchase a Sears or a JC Penney for the middle class and a Sachs Fifth Avenue or a Nordstrom's for the upper class.
“I also have my eye on a Victoria's Secret for the wife and a Frederick's of Hollywood for my mistress,” the billionaire benefactor confessed.