UnNews:Local - Bar review : just say no to 'EMERGENCY'

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1 December 2006

There's apparently a chain of these bars, but don't go. They suck!

NEW YORK, NY - My attempt to have a good time last night was completely ruined by the utter craphole of an excuse for a bar known as "EMERGENCY". You've probably seen them around, you know, with the big red signs, it's some stupid chain or something. Well, it must be owned by the biggest douchebag in history, because their attitude towards me, the paying customer, was a pile of dog shit wrapped up in the New York Post wrapped up in another copy of the New York Post.

An artist's impression of my harrowing experience. These awful people wouldn't even give me a fucking beer, for crying out loud. They just kept asking me rude questions and poking me with things. And the only thing they gave me to drink was water! Sacrilege! I had to do twenty shots of vodka just to get the disgusting taste out of my mouth!

It was around, like, three a.m. yesterday or some shit like that, and I've just woken up in the gutter in a pool of my own and others' vomit. Apparently I was too much of a fucking pussy to get away with mixing Jaegermeister and Everclear, but let's keep that little secret between us, okay pal? I got a reputation to maintain after all.

Anyway, I'm trying to fucking walk down the street but it's hard because everything keeps moving around like one of those damn crazy cartoons they used to show before the westerns before this fucking country became a sold out company owned gulag of syncophantic little toadies, and I'm sort of puking a little bit from time to time, but sort of not really and I end up swallowing most of it again, and then I notice there's all this fucking blood on my hand. Where the fuck did that shit come from?

Anyway, I see this bar called "EMERGENCY" and I figure I'm in luck, I can get myself an eye-opener and straighten myself out; boy howdy was I wrong. Those bastards practically grabbed me the moment I came in, strapped me down, and I'm thinking "Holy shit, did I accidentally walk into one of those fucking gay bars?" and then they put me in, get this, this bed and . . . . I won't go into the rest of it. It was just too horrible.

Later I finally managed to slip out of there when those bastards weren't fucking looking, but they still have my awesome leather jacket. Bastards. This was without a doubt the worst bar I ever went to, and if anybody takes my advice and steers well clear of "EMERGENCY" my life will have meaning.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a couple of bottles of gin and a baseball bat. Nice chatting with you, fuckers, I'll have to do you again sometime.

Sources

• nobody cares "The most glorious thing ever invented" Wikipedia, December 1, 2006