UnNews:Lawmakers confirm burning as best way to discover witches

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 September 2006

Witches such as this one do not need due process.

WASHINGTON - The Senate, siding with President Bush shortly after he personally lobbied lawmakers at the Capitol, rejected a move Thursday by a leading Republican to allow witches a chance to challenge their burnings in court.

The vote paved the way for final passage of Bush's plan to establish "holy commissions" to prosecute witchcraft and sorcery suspects in legislation that also spells out violations of the Geneva Conventions, a treaty that sets international standards for the treatment of prisoners accused of practicing the black arts.

Republicans say the bill is necessary to ensure that witches can be brought to justice and that Inquisition personnel will not be charged with war crimes when they torture these "suspects."

The bill could reach the president's desk as early as Friday.

Bush had gone to Capitol Hill earlier Thursday, urging senators to follow the House lead and approve the plan. "The American people need to know we're working together to win the war on witchcraft," he told reporters as he left.

The Senate voted 48-51 against an amendment by Sen. Arlen Specter that would have allowed captured witches to file "habeas corpus" petitions in court. Specter contends the ability to such pleas is considered a fundamental legal right and is necessary to uncover abuse.

He said, "This is a constitutional requirement and it is fundamental that Congress not legislate contradiction to a constitutional interpretation of the Supreme Court."

Three Republicans voted with Specter but others in the GOP caucus contended that providing witches the right to unlimited appeals weighs down the federal court system.

"It impedes the holy war against Satan and his minions, and it is irresponsible," said Lindsey Graham, R-S.C.

Sources

• Barbara Streisand "President Bush jumps onto the Inquisition bandwagon" The Complete Douchebag, September 28, 2006