UnNews:Kissing ass pays off big for Javier Bardem
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 February 2008
LOS ANGELES, California (UNN) – Spanish actor Javier Bardem fulfilled a life long dream at the 80th Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday evening, and it did not happen when his name was called as the winner of the Best Supporting Actor Award.
The moment that the 38 year old actor had waited for, from the time he was a child, happened back stage, away from the audience, when he kissed the ass of an Oscar Statue.
"Ever since I was a child, I have been obsessed with Oscar. Look at him, strong stoic and beautifully built. When I saw him for the first time as a five year old child something stirred in my loins that I can not explain,” explained Bardem as he tenderly caressed the statue, fixated on its strong well sculpted chest and “buttocks so strong you could bounce a quarter off of them, no?"
“How can you sum up the dreams and desirers (sic) that have ached for so long suddenly fulfilled? You can’t, there are no words in English, only in German and I do not know how to translate those to you.”
While most actors will hold the statue for press photos, Bardem took the ritual further by tonguing the statue's rear end, rubbing his finger across Oscar’s ass crack and then inhaling the scent as if it was a fine perfume.
"People just think that I play a madman on the screen, but I am also mad about Daddy Oscar here."
Fellow Oscar winner Tilda Swinton, the igamatic riddle, wrapped in a drape of cheap black velvet fabric surrounded by an air of asexuality for this year's ceremonies described Bardem's fixation by pointing out that "he really isn't kissing it at all so much as he is sucking on its bum. There is something about the Oscar's that brings out the ugly in a person, if you know what I mean."
Bardem, who was dating his mother until the Oscar was presented to him, left her behind at the ceremony as he and the statue left the Kodak Theatre, bound for a private airplane that would whisk the actor and his prize off to Key West for a weekend of “sweet, sweet lovemaking.”
Said Bardem, “Oscar will be traveling up a dirt road very soon, and I will welcome him with all of the devotion that I can muster after I dress him on a condom.”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Movie Fone "Bardem wins Oscar for best hair style worn by a man in a symbolic movie" Movie Fone, February 25, 2008