UnNews:Kanye West interrupts everyone
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14 September 2009
Just Moments Ago: Taylor Swift’s win for Best Female Video at the Video Music Awards was interrupted by a furious and visibly sweating Kanye West who ran onstage, forcefully grabbed her mic away, and announced his belief that Beyonce had the best video in the world. He then gave the mic back to a shaken Taylor Swift and ran away into the night.
But this was to be just the tip of the iceberg for the controversial Mr. West.
Just 233 years ago, Kanye West was found at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Historians have concluded that the famous John Hancock signature was interrupted mid-signing by a "negroid blurb" that seems to say "Beyonce rocks". While this is not conclusive evidence of Mr. West's doing, other historians have found new documents that recorded the historic signing. In it, it describes a furious, "metal glass wearing" negro who ran into the courthouse, forcefully grabbed John Hancock's ink pen away, and announced his belief that Beyonce had the best video in the world. He then gave the ink pen back to a shaken John Hancock and ran away into the night.
Years later, as Francis Scott Key composed "The Star-Spangled Banner", he too was interrupted. In fact, not only did Kanye West forcefully grab Key's paper away and announce his belief that Beyonce had the best video in the world, but he even added lyrics. "Bombs bursting in air," he wrote, "How could the British Imperialiss be so dauntless?". West then gave the paper back to a shaken Francis Scott Key and ran away into the night. Key claims to have changed the lyric from "dauntless" to "heartless", though he omitted that lyric altogether as it was fairly inconsistent with the rest of the song and because of his belief that the slave who interrupted him was a "gay fish".
During a debate between Lincoln and Stephen A. Douglas, a "crazed ash-skinned looney" ran onto the stage. He grabbed the audience's attention almost immediately, at which point he yelled quite loudly: "Abraham Lincoln doesn't care about black people." The audience was confused, as "black people" was not a term understood at the time. Historians have attempted to interpret this confusing recording of the event, but have now come to understand its significance.
The list of Mr. West's interruptions grows as history is revisited. During Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech, a drunk and naked Kanye West ran onto the podium, pushed Martin Luther King to the side and spoke into the microphone quite seriously: "This nigga is crazy!" Cricket chirps followed, and Mr. West attempted to break the awkwardness: "Beyonce's video is #1 ya'll!"
Speculation ran wild to where Kanye West might be spotted next. These questions were answered when yesterday at the Video Music Awards a furious and visibly sweating Kanye West ran onstage, forcefully grabbed Kanye West's mic away, and announced his belief that Beyonce had the best video in the world. He then gave the mic back to a shaken Kanye West and ran into the night. The other Kanye West announced his belief that he agrees with Kanye West's belief that Beyonce had the best video in the world. He then gave the mic back to a shaken Taylor Swift and also ran away into the night. Taylor Swift fell to her knees and wept.
The Kanye West brothers were later spotted in the future interrupting world peace. It is expected that by the year 10,000 A.D., they would have interrupt everything, including the fall of Earth.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Dixie Chick "Kanye West interrupts article" Washington Post, September 14, 2009