UnNews:John Reid: "Oh fuck, not the Home Office"

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28 January 2007

"Yir goina git a faceful o' heid!"

THE PATRICIAN'S PALACE, Ankh-Morpork, Sunday (UNN) — Westminsterologists are poring carefully over John Reid's recent media coverage and asking themselves: just what did Reid do to piss Tony Blair off so much he got landed with the Home Office?

When John Reid took over as Home Secretary last May he said it was "not fit for purpose". His chief staff responded by nodding and smiling and not bothering Dr Reid's important work with such minor details as 322 sex offenders going missing, 147 drug dealers not being kept in the UK, 1000 foreign prisoners not being deported or 27,000 Britons offending elsewhere not being in British police records. Dr Reid was a very busy man, after all. And have you ever tried firing a senior civil servant?

As well as having his staff fully behind him, his political colleagues have done their best to help him along. Junior Home Office ministers Tony McNulty and Joan Ryan had just plain forgotten to mention the 27,000 offenders to Dr Reid when the police asked about them in September last year.

Analysts are unsure just what Reid did to upset so badly with his work on the Northern Ireland peace process as to get landed first with the NHS and then the Home Office. Maybe he shagged Tony's girlfriend back in the old days, and a Scot's revenge is slow but thorough. Or something.

In comments today, the Prime Minister gave his "full and unqualified support" to Reid's work in cleaning up the Augean Office. Westminsterologists widely agree this means Reid is utterly, utterly fucked.

Sources

• John Reid "Infamy! Infamy!" The Secret Diaries of "Nosher" Reid, aged 59 and 3/4, January 28, 2007

• Tony Bligh "Chalices 'r' Us!" Mutiny on the Blairite, January 28, 2007