UnNews:John Howard puts his last effort in tackling drought
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 May 2007
Canberra, AUSTRALIA -- John Howard has signed and applied his new plan to reduce and possibly dismiss the water shortage issue in Australia today. Helped by his staff and also the leader of the opposition, the Prime Minister travelled to Wollongong, 70 kilometres east of Sydney, to get a quick glimpse of what is really happening there. After some moments of surveying, he ordered his staff together to pee in a huge lake, presumably belonging to the local indigenous people of Australia, the Aboriginal. This may be the last radical action John Howard has made before his maybe absolute possible defeat in the upcoming election.
"What is good about this is that we can cut down the expenditure to save water and it's quite easy as well, I reckon youse", Howard said to the press at the location. Reports says John Howard did not lie this time, which made it quite surprising. He really only used $20 dollars to get this plan done, which was for 15 tram tickets from his office to lake Wollongong. When he got there, he simply looked around the area and told one of the staff to measure the depth of the lake. It turned out that the lake's depth was reduced from 5 metres to just 1.5 metres. Then he shouted, "Okay lads, pull down your pants and start saving some lives". Remarkably, the result was very satisfying.
John Howard and Kevin Rudd together contributed around 50 centimetres of urine to the lake, which could save around 100 citizens. Rudd commented that "Although we were saving up for this day, it was a good thing that we stopped at a couple of pubs on the way here." Slurring his words, Howard concurred, "If only people could eat human waste, we could end world starvation, 'cause we're full of . . . . . Burp!" he chuckled.
The 50 million other Aussies expressed mixed feelings about the unusual water plan. Benjamin Pinney, a 30-year old salesman from Southbank, Melbourne interviewed in one of countless pubs Howard stopped off in prior to refilling the lake said, "Mate, John Howard maybe is the best mate in the whole world, mate, he is just simply my mate!" It can be seen that Pinney supported Howard's governance without any doubt. A woman from New South Wales who wished to remain nameless said only "that's disgusting!" Perhaps the most insightful reaction came from a primary school student named Matilda Grigoris, aged 8. "I don't like John Howard, my father said he is bald and his eyebrows are like caterpillars," the cute little girl said.
Curiously, since the refilling of the lake, local residents said they are considering relocating to other parts of Australia including the inhospitable "Outback." Mrs. Beatrice Clooney, while packing expressed gratitude saying "Thank goodness Mr. Howard's bowels remain full."
Regardless all the rage and tears, John Howard once again has saved Australia. Advance Australia Fair!......Mate!
Sources[edit | edit source]
- John Howard "John Howard: A Retrospective" Google, September 30, 2001
- Wikipedians "A boring page about me" Wikipedia, May 14, 2007