UnNews:Jesus hits out at Christmas shoppers
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 December 2007
Many high street stores are reporting record turnovers as consumers indulge in last minute Christmas shopping. Across the Western world the party season is in full swing as both Christian and even the non-believers revellers make the most of the festivities.
But not everyone is having such a good time. Speaking live from a video conference in the Vatican City, Jesus has finally hit out at over-indulgent shoppers not just for losing the true Christmas spirit, but also over a lack of presents. “For over a hundred centuries I’ve been sitting up here watching you lot buy hundreds of millions of presents for each other and not one of you ever got or even thought about getting me one. I mean, it’s meant to be my bloody birthday for Christ’s sake!”
“Do you know how boring it gets up here? Does nobody think that Jesus might want something too? I saw the parents of this little guy called Timmy buy him a Playstation 3 on Tuesday for “being a good boy this year”. Being a good boy?! I only went and died on the cross for you ‘orrible lot and this is how you repay me? I even heard one guy from Chicago once say “Thank the Lord for the PS2”. Thank me for one? If it was up to me I would have bloody kept the damn thing!”
Pope Benedict XVI agreed with Jesus and then preached to the standing crowds: “The only presents that poor guy’s ever had was from these stingy old men that gave him some gold, frankincense and myrrh. Not even a bit of thought went into it. Even the gold was crap quality. How awful is that? Not even a Peter Rabbit crockery set.”
Half way through his four hour video rant, Jesus then added: “Watching down on you on Christmas for the first few hundred years was fine as who else would want a dead donkey for Christmas? But recently I’ve been noticing all these awesome gifts going around which makes me more jealous as the years go on. It just makes me really angry.”
“You know what really hurts though? Last week I saw this born again Christian guy last send some money in the post to this starving kid in Africa as a Christmas gift. The guy didn’t even know the kid. How do you think that made me feel?...”