UnNews:Japan and Australia clash over fake sea life

The Japanese Respond: increase in scientific whaling and platypus hunting

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 April 2010

This gene-manipulated turtle was recently found by the Bismarck sea. Dubbed Der Panzerturtle, it clearly isn't a natural occurrence. Everyone denies having anything to do with it.

Foreign observers say Japan is likely to increase its scientific whaling in search of tailored whales. The Japanese suspect that certain governments modify penguins and sharks to look like whales. "The method is simple", says Takiyuo Kasahaki from the Office of Natural Ear of Japan. "These people just pump penguins and sharks full of water, thereby increasing the size of the animals. We don't know what they have done to the penguins to make them flexible enough, but we will soon find out. A thirty-feet aquatic animal resembling a penguin has already been reported, and larger ones are certainly on their way."

The Japanese started suspecting foul play when the recent Platypus hoax came out. "We will not stand for this kind of mockery any more than the western countries will. Our honour dictates that we find and punish the culprits," says a well-known person on Hokkaido.

The Australian government has been quick to retort. "There is evidence that certain other governments have been making giant squid out of faulty condoms. We are not pointing at anyone yet, but whoever they are, they don't use the western alphabet," says the Australian Foreign Secretary, Robert Benson.

Pope Benedict XV gave a public speech yesterday, in an attempt to soothe the issue. "My children," he said, "why not send the faulty condoms to Vatican? We can then redistribute them. We will mix them with faultless trademark condoms. That way, condom users will see how the hand of our Lord works." Since the Pope is the Steward of Christ on Earth, it is only logical that he helps the hand of the Lord - which is quicker than anyone else's.