UnNews:Israel reveals counter-counter weapon
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 April 2006
Jerusalem, Israel - Foreign Minister Benjamin Netanyahu commented to the press today on Israel's unilateral disengagement plan. In addition to walling off the country and placing security checkpoints every 20 meters, Netanyahu disclosed that the country was getting a booster shot for it's arsenal, Weapons of Mass Irritation (WMI's). At a secret Mossad training base somewhere in Virginia, strategic irritation has been honed by the cutting edge of science. Israel has poured billions of dollars into WMI research in the last 11 years with money laudered through Bolivian drug lords. Out of sight, the program remained out of the public's mind.
Several countries are members of the nuclear arms club, but Israel is the first to announce a program for develepment of WMI's. The newly rolled out I Know You Are, But What Am I? cruise missile was demonstrated for an audience of mixed military and civilian yahoos at a secret weapons range near Haifa last week. "WMI's are the Patriot Missiles of the twenty-first century", Netanyahu told caged journalists. "The friend of my enemy is not my friend. Well, unless he lent me several thousand shekls, in which case... (unintelligible)."
Massively parallel, cutting edge computing is devoted to IKYABWAI? information processing. Answers to taunts, insults, thrown rocks and comments about silly hats, can now be rebuffed in less than 2 seconds on average.
Iran was quick to respond, saying, "No fair!" on Israel's new, shiny, high tech weaponry. "Here we are, using nuclear weapons for peaceful purposes, and there the Hebrews go again, trying to get one up on us." Iraqi's were still killing each other in droves, although two government spokesmen were about to respond when they were mercilessly gunned down by idiots.
In response to Iran's response, Netanyahu said, "This program of strategic irritation is strictly a defensive weapon. Suppose some Arab country talks a load of crap about us (Israel). In the old days, we'd send a few squadrons of Phantoms, maybe a small marine invasion, and pound the problem to rubble. Now, our computerized system can analyse a Jewish (or other) slur from an enemy, do an analysis, and out comes your reply in IKYABWAI? format. We print it on the missile and off it goes."
Condaleeza Rice, in a separate press conference, that countermeasures against irritation are being developed at the Pentagon, just in case there actually is a Zionist Conspiracy. A Major Pressleak let slip that the U.S. is currently pursuing a solution utilizing Your Mom Jokes.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Benjamin 'An Nother'Yahu "Israel on the un-offensive" Chinese Homeopathic Communal Newsletter,, July 8, 173rd Year of the Armadillo since birth of Emporor Chin