UnNews:Iraqi autos avenge their dead
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 January 2007
BAGHDAD, IRAQ - A recent spate of suicides in Baghdad and elsewhere in Iraq by automobiles loyal to Saddam Hussein resulted in the police machine-gunning 15 self-destructive cars before they could run down innocent bystanders in a crowded marketplace [1]. The police’s action has led to further car suicides as relatives of the slain vehicles avenge their deceased.
The latest casualties were the young sons of Barak Obama, 37, and his wife , Sondos, 17. The Obamas were returning home from a day at the park, where they’d gone to celebrate the birthday of their older son, Gilgamesh. The boy was five years old. His brother Enkidi was three.
Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki condemned the suicidal cars’ actions. “These vehicles as good as killed this innocent family’s children,” he said. “It is a senseless atrocity, but, make no mistake, Allah knows the vehicle identification number of the killer, and hell yawns before it."
The murder-suicide was committed by a 2005 Ford Mustang (VIN 666-666-666-666) to avenge the death of its cousin, a 1998 Mercury Cougar (VIN unreleased).
A witness to the murder of the two Obama children, Abdullah Mullah, said, “The Ford, a red devil bastard with whitewall tires and a white banner attached to its antenna, streak across the park’s playground and into the poor boys as they were swing, catching them on the downswing. The impact knock the boys about 50 yards. They dead on impact. I never forget they little faces, the look of terror. Then, the coward bastard blows up, killing itself.”
Other vehicles have vowed to strap explosives to their undercarriages or roofs and commit suicide, too, to take out the enemies of the nation or to avenge the deaths of their relatives.
“We have raised our alert from pink to red,” Maliki, “and advise our citizens to stay home. Avoid taxicabs, trucks, and buses, too, and do not trust even your own automobile.”
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- Lotta Lies "Automobile vengeance: the new road rage" Instant News, 8 seconds ago