UnNews:Iranian Ambassador rapes Punxsutawney Phil

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 February 2007

Iranian ambassador Allawi al-Durzai moments before humping Punxsutawney Phil.

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania - In one horrific moment of man on animal, Punxsutawney Phil, the resident groundhog of Pennsylvania, was raped by a depraved Iranian ambassador just moments after making his prediction yesterday.

The incident occurred during the celebratory post-prediction toast to Phil. As a gesture of international goodwill, the President invited a group of Middle-Eastern ambassadors to attend the ceremonies. Unfortunately, among these ambassadors was the notorious Iranian, Allawi al-Durzai, who, just six months ago, as some readers may recall, attempted to rape the late hotel heiress Paris Hilton and succeeded in cryogenically freezing British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Apparently, he had escaped British custody and fled back to Iran.

Now, as everyone was getting drunk on bourbon, al-Durzai seized his chance. Pulling a sub-machine gun from his duffel bag, the ambassador leapt on stage and swung at some of the town elders. Then, tossing away his gun, and before the horrified and incredibly smashed eyes of over 5,000 people, al-Durzai jumped onto the cage holding the groundhog, pulled the little rodent out, and began forcibly slamming his cock up its arse.

Chittering in pain and terror, the poor creature could do nothing as the depraved ambassador brutally slid his wand up and down Phil's rectum, shouting, "Allahu Ackbar! Allahu Lando Calrissian! Allahu MON MOTHMA!!!"

As the townspeople regained their senses, al-Durzai pulled the critter off his dick and flung him into the crowd, where he was accidentally trampled by a rampaging herd of journalists. Fortunately for Guantanamo Bay, the ambassador was seized upon by the crowd as he attempted to escape. Now in jail, he has issued a press release stating, "I rape groundhog to show all Westerners they are like goat-fornicators! It has been a great success for great justice! PRAISE ALLAH!!!"

The incident has been a disaster for national law inforcement authorities, who now must explain how a man listed on the 10 Most Wanted list managed to get past airport security, the border patrol, and a large group of senior officials in the space of a day. So far, the Justice Department has not released a general press statement.

Though this terrible crime may have a wide-ranging impact on American life for years to come, for this roving reporter, it means more of a cycle of violence, continuing on for all the world like that fresh-faced weatherman in Groundhog Day.

Sources

• Phil Connors "The Rape of Phil" Mutual of Ryerson, February 2, 2007