UnNews:India declares war on Richard Gere

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 April 2007

Seconds before Junichiro Koizumi and President Bush wondered what that explosion was that interrupted their happy little reunion.

TOKYO, Japan -- The democratic Republic of India has, today, announced that it is declaring war against Richard Gere after he offended the whole of the Indian public at his recent safe elephant sex awareness event by something completely irrelevant.

Missiles were launched at the last located sighting of Gere by Indian intelligence, and has hit the Japanese city of Tokyo where Junichiro Koizumi was having some dance lessons with President Bush.

While this news will not reach New Delhi until tomorrow, it is safe to say that Gere is actually safe and sound at his secret underground location in Britain having safe elephant sex with his new bride Shilpa Shetty. Though with this news only just coming in, it is still uncertain which one is supposed to be the elephant.

Meanwhile, Japan and America has declared war on India, and, most surprisingly, the taliban has joined forces with America within the last hour. "The enemy of our enemy is our friend - even if we hate 'em." said Ahmed X. "We are P.O.'d at India for not finishing the job right at the Little Big Horn, and until they turn on the US we'll side with the infidel USA." When told that American Indians were not from the country India, Ahmed said "This is just another media trick to make us look bad." He went on to say "You are trying to falsely portray us as a backward people, and nothing could be further from the truth," during a dinner of escargot in the memorial Sheryl Crow restroom of a French Restaurant in underground Afganistan.

In reaction, President George W. Bush said in his announcement to the American people, "With our new filthy Taliban ally, we will wage war with India to liberate its people from the oppression and evil of their liberal democracy that has caused this heinous crime."

Ex-president Koizumi, who has lost a leg in the attack, gave comments on the situation. "I can't find my leg -- it's around here somewhere!!" He went on to say "This is bad very, very bad. It was the most honorable Mr. Richard Gere who taught me how to tango, but now I can't even hokey-pokey. India will do going down! You put your left leg in... and you shake it all about... しまった。"

The sudden declaration of war comes after days of agitated protests by the Indian public and burning of effigies of the actor, who no-one in India really recognizes, except the politicians (who now think Koizumi's name is Richard Gere having never learnt the ex-president's real name). The protestors, revolted by the revelation that Richard Gere was a vampire, welcome the government action taken in the knowledge that they will save the world from the blood-sucking fiend.

Doubts are being cast over whether the armies of India are prepared for the coming of what seems like the next world war following reports that up to a third of their cavalry are constantly being incapacitated while on duty, not usually because of problems mounting their elephants rather than their elephants mounting them.

Sources

• Reuters "Make safe elephant love, not war" CNN, April 26, 2007