UnNews:Increasing numbers of boys turning to internet porn, teen pregnancy rates down
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 October 2006
New Haven, CT - "I can't help it," says one 14 year old boy from southern Connecticut who asked us to not reveal his identity. We'll just call him 'Randy'. Heh. His self-proclaimed "addiction" to free internet porn is having an effect on his social life.
"When I first go on the internet, I look up stuff on like, CounterStrike and World of Warcraft, just like all one of my friends do. But I always end up getting an erection, and I just can't help myself. The porn is so easy to get, and when I see it, I just don't give a fuck 'bout anything else," he says afterwards, with head now hanging low (no pun intended). Randy, who tells us his favourite things to look for on the internet are fake nude photographs of celebrities, noting his favourites to be Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, and that girl from "Married... With Children". He adds, "I have heard of those 'Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten' slogans, but really, there are too many kittens anyways, and the animal shelter down the street is full! So I actually feel like I'm doing something good for the world!"
This increasing porn addiction for adolescents is quickly becoming a problem, as teen pregnancy rates are dropping. More young'uns need to get off their computers and start impregnating young women. Many abortion doctors are lamenting over the fact that they are unable to make their payments on their two new BMWs while still paying for both their mansion in the suburbs and their ocean-front home in Mexico. "Something has to be done, immediately!" shouts Dr. Benjamin Davis, visibly distressed at his dilemma of not having as many fetuses to abort as he would like. "This problem goes way deeper than like you or me can even tell. Like, dude, you guys have no idea. I've already said too much. Goodbye," he mumbles as he scurries out of the room.
Other experts maintain that this is in fact not a problem at all, and young boys should in fact refrain from sexual acts until they are truly mature and ready. Not much credibility is given to these people though, probably because most people think sex is good, no matter what.
Randy's social life is all but destroyed now, and his hopes of actually kissing a girl who isn't incredibly drunk before the age of 39 is about 1 in 2,000,000, at least. It is a deadly spiral where porn leads to no sex, and no sex just leads to more and more porn. He doesn't realize that girls are horny too, and all he and that all the other boys with the same problem really need to do is to just be confident and not smell bad, and they'll be in a sensual paradise before they know it. Although in some cases, it really is hopeless. Sorry, Randy.