UnNews:Hoodie toddlers ransack corner shop

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 January 2007

The "hoodie"-brandishing toddler, in innocent if sulky disguise.

YORKSHIRE, Oop North, Friday (UNN) — A grandmother branded as "pathetic and laughable" a shop's policy on hoodies after her two-year-old granddaughter was asked to remove her hood — but was laughing out the other side of her face when the toddler proceeded to ransack half the store with the "bluds" from her "crew."

Brenda Ned, 36, took young Sarah Ned into Off-Licence Nazis at about 7pm on Friday night to get twenty more Woodbines. "No sooner had they got inside than the shopkeeper asked, could you ask the little girl to remove her hood. I said, she's only two-and-a-half, I don't think she's going to rob you. I can understand their point because there are a lot of kids that cause trouble down there, but when it's a two-year-old it's a bit pathetic and I think most people would just think it's laughable really."

But Brenda found out otherwise. "Sarah whistled and her daycare friends swarmed into the shop, smashing and grabbing everything in sight. All in their hoodies. It was horrendous!"

Mrs Ned has apologised to the staff at Off-Licence Nazis for doubting their policy. "I never knew the danger of hoodies. What they do to a child's personality is horrifying, worse than Acid House."

In November, Off-Licence Nazis hit the headlines over its stringent policy against people wearing hoodies. Middle-aged nurse Lorraine Chav, 47, was refused her morning paper for wearing a lambswool hooded cardigan. She shouted a string of obscenities, punched the shop assistant and vowed to boycott the shop which she had been supporting for 40 years, saying the owner had unjustly tarred her with the same brush as yobs. However, the owner managed to grab and wrench back her hood, upon which the increased oxygen to her brain caused her to come to her senses.

Mrs Chav said she was insulted to be asked to remove her hood. However, hood removed, she defended the staff's actions, saying "no hoods" notices were clearly posted around the shop, and were necessary because of ongoing problems with troublemakers. She agreed the rules should apply to everyone.

Staff at the store said no one was available to comment.

History of the "hoodie"

The "hoodie" was invented in 2005 when Conservative Party leader David Cameron, feeling the Tories were going entirely too damp and fluffy, urged the party to embrace youth culture and get some jackbooted thugs back in with his "hug a hoodie" speech.

"Hoodies" are listed as a Class A drug and are only available on doctor's prescription to Olympic boxers and suicide bombers.

Sources

• Enoch Hitler "Hang the hoodie" Rivers of Tar, January 22, 2007