UnNews:Honoring those who didn't suffer in the Paris attacks

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 November 2015
UnNews Headquarters -- The nation of France has been thrown into turmoil by a devastating series of bombings, shootings, and bomb threats in recent weeks, with the most recent causality being that of the police dog Diesel during a raid in Saint Denis on November 18th. While many news organizations and other groups are honoring the fallen with various memorials, we at UnNews have decided to throw some mad props to those brave souls who were not injured or killed in any of the attacks. After all, these are the people who have come out completely unharmed by these terrorists. Their good condition is a display to the world that terrorism will not - and cannot - win.

Former US President Jimmy Carter

The 91-year-old former peanut farmer and leader of the free world has pushed for peace in the Middle East for decades (almost accomplishing it via the Camp David Accords in 1978). Sadly, his pleas have gone unheard, with some conservatives in the United States and Israel actively trying to interfere with his efforts to bring stability to the region. And though he was not in Paris at the time of the attacks, he is battling against a terrible threat on his own: Cancer. We wish you the best in your battle, Mr. President.

Maybe if you win it, everyone else on Earth will finally take your advice on how to bring peace to the Middle East and the extremist ideology that is the root cause of terrorist attacks like this one that occurred in Paris will finally die off.

Probably not, though.

Former UFC Women's Bantamweight Champion Ronda Rousey

The attacks on Paris, France, occurred less than 24 hours before the UFC 193 title defense. As such, it is no wonder why the ex-champion's heart wasn't into the fight that night: She, like all other decent people, was in distress over the violent acts that befell Paris just hours before. Could anyone be expected to perform their best in brutalizing another human being so shortly after an event like that? Could any human muster up the courage to repeatedly bash the face of their opponent after a mass shooting and suicide bombing?

No, of course not. But like the anime character Vegeta - who Ronda cites as a fictional inspiration, admiring his ability to lay waste to entire planets - she tried her best to massacre fellow fighter Holly Holm.

Everyone should look at Rousey as a strong woman who uses violence to better the world. We can all learn from someone like that.

This black guy

Look at him. I don't know his name, and neither do you, but just look at him. Look at that face. Do you see it? Can't you just feel how shocked he is? Unlike every other person on this list, this black guy was actually there and was actually shot at by the terrorists. But look at him. He's perfectly fine. Not a scratch on him. He was protected by his phone, which took a bullet to the back.

The screen of his smartphone may be shattered to bits, but unlike literally hundreds of others who faced the terrorists that night, he isn't. This black guy was the luckiest person on Earth at the moment the attack occurred. Sure, he will have to replace his phone now, but at least his phone can be replaced. His life couldn't.

May you stay in the good graces of leprechauns, Mr. Black Guy. I'd wish you luck, but you already have it.

You

You came out completely unscathed during the most recent terrorist attack. But now you feel as though you must stand in solidarity with the victims; after all, only a douchebag wouldn't, right? You have changed your social media avatars to reflect your support for those whose lives were cut short in a senseless display of violence. Now you are spending countless hours making various anti-refugee statements on those very same social media accounts, completely ignorant that it was not refugees who committed the violence but rather French nationals. That's right, it wasn't Syrian refugees that attacked but rather homegrown French jihadists. But you never let facts get in your way. You live your life in a constant state of fear and xenophobia, unaware that this is exactly how the terrorists want you to feel. You spout the very same vitriol and bigotry that is the root cause of the terrorists hatred of the West in the first place. You call for more destruction of life through further warfare, not because you believe that is justice but because you believe in revenge. Who cares that further escalation will only result in more people aligning themselves with the terrorists, thereby continuing their destructive ideology for decades to come? Who cares that killing these militants will only cause their children to grow hatred in their hearts for the West? Not you.

You are the real hero in all this, and dammit, you deserve recognition for all that you've done.

Sources

• Adam Withnall "Diesel named as police dog killed in Saint Denis raids hunting for Paris attackers" The Independent, November 18th, 2015
• Alice Rowley "'A Full Life': Jimmy Carter's 'Reflections at Ninety' are intimate and illuminating" Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, November 14th, 2015
• Dan Roberts and Tom McCarthy "'Offensive and hysterical’: Obama lashes Republicans over Syrian refugees" The Guardian, November 17th, 2015