UnNews:God and Nature in demarcation dispute
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
23 July 2012
CELESTIAL CITY, Heaven -- Mother nature recently took on Heaven in a dispute over meteorological phenomenon, much to the disgust of the The Lord God Jehovah. Due to the prayers of single women everywhere, Mother Nature has caused torrential downpours of adult males worldwide.
Self-appointed spokesperson for girl-power and single women, Geri Halliwell, had much to say on the topic. "It's raining men." she stated, showing her natural gift for being aware of the obvious. "Hallelujah" she added.
Metatron, spokesperson for The Lord God Jehovah, read from a prepared statement.
"The raining of any creature of sentience is completely in the domain of The Lord God Jehovah. It is He who brought forth the rain of Frogs upon Egypt, and He alone who has the right to have any sustenance raining from heaven. He first gave the children of Israel manna in the desert." Metatron stated.
After the prepared statement Metatron went on to answer questions from the press gallery. When asked if this was purely a matter of jealousy, Metatron stated, "Of course it's jealousy. Didn't you read the Mitzvah? Or listen to all His kvetching when He lead the children of Israel out of Egypt? And what Mother Nature has done is almost as bad as what old Lightbringer started. After all, he lead half of the heavenly host to rebel, whereas she had all of them rearranging the sky!"
One reporter asked why God was all about the vengeance when Jesus came to forgive. Metatron replied "The kingdom of Heaven neither supports or endorses the word of Jesus."
However some have suggested the dispute is all a matter of prejudice. "She's a single woman, and she's a mother," Halliwell stated, "and He has never been fond of single mothers. In fact, the fact that all these women have been praying to her has been called 'Witchcraft' for centuries. But at least she answers prayers!"
Nicky Minaj and Rihanna were both reported as celebrating the downpour as well. However, when pressed for comment, Rihanna simply stuttered, and Minaj made an odd non-sequitur about doing a wheelie on the beach.
No matter which side is in the right, the carnage created by countless men falling from the sky and hitting firstly terminal velocity, and then the ground, has left a mess that neither party wants to take responsibility for rectifying.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Geri Halliwell "It's raining, men!" EMI, April 30, 2001