UnNews:GlaxoSmithKline bummed about Paxil settlement

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 November 2006

Paxil suit class member celebrates legal victory.

HOUSTON, Texas -- GlaxoSmithKline PLC is totally bummed about having to pay $63.8 million to settle a lawsuit's claims that it promoted its antidepressant drug Paxil for use by children and adolescents while withholding negative information about the medication's safety and effectiveness.

"This totally sucks," said Richard Marningson, CEO of GlaxoSmithKline. "Suddenly, I don't feel like doing anything. It's like, what's the use, you know? Everything is pretty much pointless once you think about it, and nobody cares, so why should I?"

Members of the class, including all U.S. residents who bought Paxil and Paxil CR, a controlled-release version of the drug, for their children each could get full refunds if they have records of their purchases. Anyone without such documentation can get $15 returned to them.

As part of the settlement, GlaxoSmithKline denies the lawsuit's claims, including that consumers paid too much for the drugs, but the world's second-largest pharmaceutical company wants to resolve the matter to avoid further litigation costs. Like they don't make about a billion dollars a day.

Actual payments to consumers will depend on the amount of claims. If there is not enough money to pay all the claims, consumers will get only a portion of the amount they otherwise could have gotten, and told to fuck off.

Fees for the plaintiffs' attorneys will be deducted from the settlement fund, with the remaining money available for payments to consumers. As part of the deal, attorneys for the plaintiffs in the class-action case could get about $16.6 million.

One class member commented, "So the lawyers get $16.6 million and I might get 15 bucks? Great. Just fucking wonderful. Got any more good news?"