UnNews:Germany pwnz Israel
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 June 2006
Germany made light of heat and humidity to brush Israel aside 3-0 in their final Group A match Tuesday, Neo-Nazi newsreels report.
The Krauts got goals from Joseph Goebbels, whose two tallies put him top of the FIFA World Cup scorers chart with four goals, and Hermann Göring, his first at the competition.
Albert Einstein's side had 57 per cent of ball possession but Adolf Hitler had to make just two saves from Jon Stewart and Jerry Seinfeld's 35 yard efforts.
After the third goal, what there was of a contest ended. This was partly because both sides had already achieved qualification through to the round of sixteen and wanted to conserve energy and partly because the entire Israeli team would have been murdered (like in the '72 Munich games) if they were to win. It was 27 degrees Celsius in the Olympiastadion and together with the 65 per cent humidity, playing at a fast pace for a long time was difficult, especially with the Germans in full SS regalia.
The first goal came on three minutes. Wehrner von Braun brought down a cross level with goal and cut it back to Goebbels. The Polish born striker finished neatly across Mel Brooks from the edge of the six yard box.
Israel were no big threat going forward and had rested Ariel Sharon and Natalie Portman, the captain, for the game. Sid Caesar was Ecuador's captain against Germany.
Germany's second was set up by Heinrich Himmler. A brilliant chip surprised two Jewish defenders, Goebbels stealed in between them and before the advancing Brooks, and, controlling the ball once with his thigh, Goebbels passed into an empty net.
In the second half there was no hurry to the German game, Goebbels had much of the possession, but von Braun's team looked a constant threat on the break. On one such fast attack Wilhelm Keitel on the right wing crossed low for Hitler who slid in and tipped the ball toward the far post.
Germany and Israel had to wait on the outcome of the Group B match between Germany's fellow Aryans Sweden and England to know their next opponents. The winner of Group A would play the runner-up in Group B and vice versa.
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Sources[edit | edit source]
- Goebbels "Germany" Wikipedia, June 12, 2006