UnNews:Ford says lost $5.8 billion might be at ex-girlfriend's place

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23 October 2006

Ford says it's not worth $5.8 billion to deal with this bitch again.

DEARBORN, Mich. - Ford Motor Co. said Monday that it's looked everywhere for the $5.8 billion the company lost in the third quarter, and concluded it's probably in some pants the company left at its ex-girlfriend's apartment when they broke up.

Ford has been weighed down by the costs of its massive restructuring plan aimed at reshaping the company and cutting expenses so it can compete better against lower-cost rivals from overseas, and just hasn't had time or inclination to go over to her place and retrieve the pants.

"I left in kind of a hurry the last time I was there," noted Ford. "I tried to grab as much stuff as I could, but the pants with the $5.8 billion must have been in the hamper or something."

The $5.8 billion is the largest quarterly loss in more than 14 years for the nation's second biggest automaker, and company officials predicted things would get worse in the fourth quarter as several other chicks it knows might break up and keep its stuff.

The money in the lost pants brings Ford's losses to $7.24 billion for the first nine months of the year.

Ford's new chief executive, Alan Mulally, called the latest results unacceptable, but said he was encouraged by Ford's progress in turning itself around by trying not to leave so much stuff at any one chick's place.

"Let's make it clear. These results are unacceptable. We know where we are with our cash and why we're where we are," he said in a conference call with reporters and industry analysts. "And we have to work on breaking up with chicks in a friendly way, and not to call them 'bitches' and 'whores' when we move out."