UnNews:Fantasy Football Injuries Costly for Business
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18 August 2006
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SEATTLE, Ohio - Office workers who sustain a groin injury or pull a hamstring while combing the league waiver wire for running backs or back-up quarterbacks are part of a growing number of fantasy football players costing employers as much as $1.1 billion a week, according to a pointless study released on Wednesday.
During the National Football League regular season, nearly 37 million people spend an average of 50 hours a week at work playing on their fantasy teams and many end up with injuries which significantly hamper their work performance, according to outplacement consultants Fullah, Crappen, Thensome, Inc.
"Fantasy sports ranks with shopping on eBay, Inc.'s Web auction site and online poker as the biggest source of Internet-derived injury at the workplace," said John Fullah, C.E.O. of the overpriced bullshit-consulting firm.
However, rather than shitcanning injured employees or smacking them upside the head, Fullah encourages employers to embrace fantasy sports in order to foster a sense of camaraderie in the workplace.
"The potential damage to morale and loyalty resulting from firing a fantasy football player could be far worse than the loss of productivity caused by 10 minutes online," said Fullah.
The study also cited a survey saying average fantasy sports owners spend 34 minutes a day mastubating about the imaginary cheerleaders of their fantasy footbal team, and spend close to $5,000.00 a year on fantasy sports.
The 17-week NFL regular season kicks off on September 7 in Idaho, where the defending Super Bowl champion Taterbugs will host the Omaha Ass Weasels.