UnNews:FDA approves sale of morning after pill without prescription
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 August 2006
WASHINGTON (DC), United States - In a move applauded by the National Licensed Beverage Association and the adult entertainment industry, the Food and Drug Administration approved over the counter sales of "Plan B," a popular and surprisingly delicious home abortion pill.
According to the new FDA regulations, pharmacies can begin immediately selling the controversial pill without prescription to "loose, horny chicks, 18 years and older." Underage skanks will still be required to ask older sluts to pick up the pill for them. Expectations that it will be impossible for minors to ingest the pill without a prescription are largely based on the success of preventing minors from obtaining tobacco products and alcohol, as well as preventing the unlicensed sale of firearms.
The drug, known as the "morning after" pill, terminates pregnancy if taken with 72 days of promiscuous sex with some jerk loser who turns out to have no money at all. It contains a concentrated dose of cyanide, the same drug found in many regular birth-control pills, and comes in two flavors, wintergreen, and a non-so-ironic "wild cherry."
Advocates of the decision, such as "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis, claim the announcement as a victory for the modern male sexual predator. "I am confident this decision will save many young women from unwanted pregnancies after I dupe them into a private party in the backroom of my tour bus while they're in a drunken stupor," proclaimed Francis.
A statement released Thursday by the Living Essentials company declared, "Unwanted pregnancies are the hangover of the new millennium." The company manufactures and distributes the popular Chaser pills, used to avoid hangovers after a night with Joe Francis. While the company will not directly endorse Plan B, they have recommended the morning after pill as an excellent chaser for a roofie-colada.
Others still oppose the new ruling while trying to force their own supererior moral agendas on the general public. "Sexual abstinence still remains the best prevention for unwanted rugrats," claims Leon Phelps, shockingly ugly spokesman for Technical Virigin, a group which preaches the virtues of vaginal abstinence.
"Of course, if you do have sexual relations with a young lady, do it in the butt. That way, she can't get pregnant and you don't need a pill," stated Phelps.
As a condition of the deal, the FDA requires BoneProne Pharmaceuticals to track whether pharmacies are enforcing the age restriction. Methods of evaluation will include scanning MySpace blogs for young whores touting their experiments with the drug and playing games of abortion roulette.