UnNews:Ellen DeGeneres shot by Foster maniac
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 January 2013
LOS ANGELES, California -- Jodie Foster's public announcement of her homosexuality has led to tragedy, aslesbian comic and national treasure Ellen DeGeneres has been shot during a live broadcast by W. Hinckley, Jr, in an apparent renewed attempt to curry Foster's favor.
Ellen was filming a jittery but ultimately charming interview with hilarious British comic Russell Brand about his latest movie in which he plays a foppish rock star. Then Hinckley, who shot Ronald Reagan to win Foster's love in 1981, burst onto the nation's screens.
"Over the past seven months I've left you dozens of poems, letters and love messages in the faint hope that you could develop an interest in me. Although we talked on the phone a couple of times I never had the nerve to simply approach you and introduce myself. The reason I'm going ahead with this attempt now is because I cannot wait any longer to impress you."
He then closed his eyes, span round 3 times, bent over and shot the gun from between his leg, hitting the former Ellen star in the chest. The show's director panicked and commanded the entire audience to do one of the show's signature dancing segues. Paramedics rushed around the stricken comedienne while security swarmed around Hinckley, who was juggling sex toys while singing the national anthem backwards, still apparently intent on impressing Foster as much as possible.
DeGeneres was rushed to hospital where long-term partner Portia de Rossi called an impromptu press conference and told waiting reporters: "The surgeons are fighting to save her tit. They say the bullet tore through her nipple. I am really worried because it's the only way I know to get her off, sucking on them." This led many reporters, who had had their hands raised to ask questions, to grab at their genitals, moan, and writhe against their own touch. One later told UnNews, "That was the guiltiest erection I ever got in my life. I know now is not the moment, but how the fuck did Ellen get Portia de Rossi to suck her boobs on a regular basis?"
Hinckley was meanwhile taken to the police station where he refused to comment further on his actions. A police raid on the Beverley Hills mansion he has rented since his release from prison in June. They recovered various posters of lesbianic propaganda and several photo albums of Hinckley dressed as a butch woman next to badly cut out collages of Foster.
Foster herself has refused to comment on the case but is said by our source to be distraught at how history has repeated itself. But there was cold comfort for Hinckley, as the source added, "I don't know if I should say this but, the funny thing is, she was kind of impressed."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Jodie Foster's Golden Globes coming out: no gush, no Boo Boo, all dignity" BBC, January 14, 2013