UnNews:Doughboy alleges police brutality
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 July 2010
LOS ANGELES, California -- In a lawsuit that threatens to shut down vital police services for the most populous city in California, the Pillsbury Doughboy and The J.M. Smucker Company are seeking $7.3 billion for physical, emotional and financial damages from the city of Los Angeles.
The Doughboy and his corporate sponsors filed charges yesterday at the Los Angeles County Superior Court against the city of Los Angeles and the LAPD, alleging that the baking icon was detained during a traffic stop and subsequently beaten by 78 officers and detectives during his arrest and detention.
Poppin' Fresh, the Doughboys legal name, maintains that he was pulled over because of a policy of racial profiling by the police. "Face it, we (doughboys) stand out everywhere we go," he told UnNews junior baking analyst. "And you know how it is with cops everywhere. It gets to the end of the month, the higher-ups put pressure on the cops to bring in more revenue in the form of traffic tickets. People like me are prime targets, because of the stereotype of rich, smart-mouthed doughboys."
LAPD Legal Affairs spokesperson Matilde Smattering said, in an official statement before the gathered press, "we (the LAPD) maintain that no physical harm came to Mr. Fresh due to any action or inaction by the department. Witnesses at the scene describe a group of several minority gang members beating Mr. Fresh with assorted weapons, and that it was the LAPD that intervened, and in fact, saved Mr. Freshs life."
The record dollar amount of the suit is justified by attorneys for the plaintiff as revenue lost from, "the deprivation of Mr. Fresh as company spokesperson and popular advertising gimmick, and on behalf of the American people, the pain felt by us all in sympathy for Mr. Fresh and his cause."
