UnNews:Donald Rumsfeld proposes using textbooks as shields in Iraq

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

22 October 2006

NUTLEY, New Jersey -- At a press conference today, Donald Rumsfeld, reacting to the unpopularity of the deaths of over 2,500 Americans due to neocon lies and world conquest ambitions, announced a new program to try to reduce the number of future unneeded deaths as a result of the evil of the Republican vampiric cabal that is currently running America and attempting (although spectacularly unsuccessfully so far) to run the world: used textbooks to "deflect the terrorist death thingies, like bullets and stuff."

A US soldier warily watches a possibly dangerous native approach, which his surplus copy of Das Kapital at the ready in case of trouble

The original plan was for better body armor and "cool scientific doohickies" to allow US solders to do awesome slow motion kung fu attacks from crazy angles, like those dudes in the Matrix, but a Ways & Means Committee audit determined that the life of a soldier really wasn't worth much more than a used school textbook, so that's what they're gonna get.

When questioned whether Iraqis would be given textbooks also, since over 600,000 had died because of a completely unneeded war that Bush lied to start so he could pwnzor all the oil and keep those damn Chinese guys from getting it all, Rumsfeld accused the reporter of treason for suggesting we arm the terrorists. When asked if the 14 year old Iraqi girl who was recently raped, shot and burned by US soldiers was a terrorist, Mr. Rumsfeld ended the press conference abruptly, saying "Come on guys, I'm an old man. It's too early in the morning for this." Later, Mr. Rumsfeld stated that it was almost time for him to report to his mysterious alien handlers via the Beta 5 computer secretly installed in his New York City east side apartment, but had time to add that "That rape incident was unfortunate, but you know what's even more unfortunate? Americans having to pay $10 a gallon for gas. Now that's a real tragedy."

The plan has been ridiculed by the military brass at the Pentagon, who now want to just nuke the shithole and get it all over with.

Sources

• Donald Rumsfeld "Iraq to be brought under control with textbooks to deflect bullets and other death thingies" Taxpayer Funded Washington D.C. Propaganda Organ, Pants 42, 2006

• What R. Ballistics "Textbooks, the answer to the Iraq crisis" Idiotic Rantings Monthly, Relish 0, 2006