UnNews:Developments in exoplanet search gives new hope to "lesbian planet" theory

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 July 2012

Tau Boötis b, located in the constellation Boötes, is but one planet which scientists believe may be populated by lesbians.

Atacama Desert, Chile -- What began as a simple innovation in Astronomical spectroscopy has opened a realm of untold significance at the Very Large Telescope array this week. This time, for perhaps unexpected reasons.

"This is fantastic, simply fantastic," said one Brian Loch, an astronomer at the observatory. "I can't stop thinking about this."

Earlier this week, the scientific world had been set alight by a new method for detecting extrasolar planets which some predict has increased the rate of exoplanet discovery nearly ten-fold and allowed for deeper analysis of the atmosopheres of possible life-harboring bodies. Now, with the news spreading and data to arrive soon, some astronomers have taken on the role of philosopher, discussing the future implications of the technology. Though multiple hypotheses have developed in this time, the majority seem to be set on one conclusion: Lesbians.

"The possibility for a lesbian planet, maybe even a Swedish lesbian planet, has exploded." said Brian, half attentively, sipping a cup of coffee in the break room of the VLT array. "We have already found at least 247 potential candidates. It's too early to tell whether they harbor life or not, or whether that life will have large bikini-clad breasts or not, but I'm sure we'll find out soon."

Mr. Loch is not alone in his theory. For the past eight years, professor Richard Alvarez along with his team UC Berkeley has been studying the concept. He has spent hundreds of hours in his personal observatory fantasizing about such discoveries and drawing images of what he says he hopes will "one day come into fruition for the human race".

"I don't think anyone should be surprised if we do find something in this vein." said the professor. "There is literally an infinite number of permutations possible for these planets, in terms of mass, composition, everything, and we are discovering dozens of these every day. Given this, it is entirely safe to say that one is quite plausibly populated entirely by roaming tribes of Amazon women just waiting to rip the clothes off of the next available male."

"This is equally likely as one with say, a civilization of intelligent squid-like forms and only a few hot lesbian couples."

Though convincing for most, the theory is not without its detractors. One of the most vocal of these has been celebrity scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson. In a statement released exclusively to Unnews, the television host stated:

"It is crazy to assume such nonsense. There are simply far too many questions that go unanswered in [Mr. Alvarez's] work, for example: How will the lesbians breathe in low-oxygen environments? Is there enough sustenance on these planets to maintain such a high rate of orgies? How does one go about performing cunnilingus while simultaneously fending off the hordes of space lizards that may also populate these bodies? I'm as big of a fan of lesbians as the next guy, but until we find some hard physical evidence, I feel I am right to remain skeptical."

The crew at VLT remains undeterred, however. Only time will tell if these theories will reign true.

Sources

• Pete Spotts "Astronomers use an old trick to open new window on extrasolar planets" The Christian Science Monitor, June 27, 2012