UnNews:Democrats panic at prospect of Cain nomination
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 May 2011
FORT WAYNE, Indiana -- The 2012 Presidential election is still 17 months away and the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is trembling in agony over the prospect of Republican nominee Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza and decisive front-runner of the 2012 Republican primary election season, according to the most recent FOX News poll.
According to the poll, Herman Cain leads the conservative pack by with over 90% of the respondents supports. The closest two to Cain were Sarah Palin, reality star and mother to an autistic child, and Rick Santorum, a frothy mix of hometown goodness and special lubricants.
Today, DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz read from cue cards before a silent room of liberal journalists, "We at the DNC are horrified about the prospects of running against a man of Cain's political and business stature. We supporters of President Barack Obama, the man best known for killing terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden and for being born in Hawaii, can't possibly hope to compete with Cain's newest 2-liter Coke for every vote a order of one large two-topping pizza. He's just too experienced of a politician, unlike President Barack Obama, who has only been a community organizer, a US senator, and the President. Why couldn't we have someone like Herman Cain as our inevitable nominee? Those Republicans sure are lucky."
Early this morning, Cain appeared on the respectable morning news program “Fox and Friends” in which he praised Senator Paul Ryan's budget plan. "I support Ryan’s plan one hundred percent," Cain told the Fox and Friends anchors. "We don’t need to come up with another plan, and screw [the seniors] that think we do! And I'm 100% confident the voters in Iowa will agree with me during the first primary!"
"That's the kind of leadership we need," the Fox and Friends team repeatedly stammered in between comments about the blonde woman's most recent haircut. "My bangs are tingling at the thought of a negro president!"
Herman Cain has already received the coveted "Stephen Colbert bump", a form of handshake performed by political activist Stephen Colbert and African-American man prior to the African-American man winning a Presidential election. The last recipient of the "Colbert bump" was Robert Mugabe, the Great President by Popular Demand, who has created a militaristic boom in the rich African country Zimbabwe, which prevented the economy of Zimbabwe from collapsing during the 2008 financial crunch.
"Look," said the stone-eyed Democratic commentator James Carville on CNN's Situation Room Thursday night, "if these Republicans are cunning enough to put the CEO of an American pizza chain and somebody with strong Christian values like Newt Gingrich on the ballot together, there isn't anyway the godless President Obama, who attends church every Sunday morning with his family, will not stand a chance."
Carville then cracked a smile and said, "And we liberals will definitely be screwed if the Repubs put the guy who inspired President Obama to pass a universal healthcare bill."
Carville then began laughing uncontrollably for thirty minutes, seemingly due to a panic-induced psychosis.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Caroline May "DNC sets sights on Herman Cain" The Daily Caller, May 26th, 2011
- Dr. Boyce Watkins "Will Herman Cain's candidacy change black America?" The Grios, May 26th, 2011