UnNews:Comedians continue to disagree if sufficient time has passed since Manchester bombing

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Thursday, May 25, 2017

The clock is always ticking. What if someone is an edgy tit before you are?!

MANCHESTER, United Kingdom -- On May 22 2017, the world was shaken with the news of another terrorist attack within the UK. Three days on from the bombing in Manchester that claimed 22 lives and injured 64, comedians all over the world continue to debate passionately about whether or not it would be career suicide to joke about the brutal attack yet.

In the aftermath of the Orlando nightclub massacre of 2016, comedians and sociopathic Twitter commentators banded together and devised a rigid mathematical formula that determines how long one must wait in order to make jokes about an atrocity. Named the Jimmy Carr rule; they agreed: "The total sum of all potential years that have gone unlived as a result of a violent act, as expressed one minute for every year, must be waited." A death toll of 22 yields approximately 1,320 minutes which is equivalent to 22 hours.

Unfortunately for some, even waiting that long was too difficult. A soon to be ex-CBS journalist took to Twitter not even 6 hours after the attack with such valuable commentary as "Last time I listened to Ariana Grande, I almost died too." He attributed the blatant violation of the rule with the pitiful excuse of "the death toll was still rising."

Whilst many comedians express their concern that attempting to make jokes about the death of 22 children will bring their occupation under severe scrutiny, others have insisted it is their right to make comments so tasteless, that it puts a prison casserole to shame. A comic who wished to remain anonymous stated: "We need fresh content at all times. Everyone knows our Holocaust jokes, our 9-11 jokes and our nigger jokes. Tragedies like that keep us in touch with our audience. Heaven forbid somebody else makes a tasteless remark about terrorism before we do, you can never get in too early in a race to the bottom."

The debate is ongoing. Fueled by bored slacktivists, the topic of "how soon is too soon" now takes up roughly 60% of all coverage on the attack, a further 39% by Donald Trump failing to use a strong enough noun to describe the culprits (as through Trump's eyes, 'evil losers' is the worst possible insult) and an additional 1% on the trivial concern of what actually happened.

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