UnNews:Cat arrested for plan to assassinate the President
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 August 2009
CHICAGO, Illinois, United States – Police in Chicago have arrested Mr. Tingles, a shorthair cat, for conspiracy to assassinate President Barack Obama. The conspiracy was discovered after police responded to a 911 call from the residence of Henry Grebbins, the cat’s owner/guardian/servant/pet. Henry was found dead in his apartment with claw marks all over his body and his throat ripped out. Police have ruled his death a suicide.
While searching the apartment, police found a video camera with footage of Mr. Tingles admitting to the conspiracy.
- Henry: "So, Mr. Tingles, how ya doin’ today?"
- Mr. Tingles: "Meow."
- Henry: "What’s that? You plan to assassinate the President?"
- Mr. Tingles: "Meow."
- Henry: "But why?"
- Mr. Tingles: "Meow."
- Henry: “Well, when you put it that way..."
Little is known about Mr. Tingle’s plan, as he cannot speak "People" language, despite his apparent belief that he is, indeed, a "People". Further complicating the matter is the fact that Henry Grebbins was one of the few known cat translators in the world. The cat has been taken to a maximum security prison to await interogation. It is unknown whether or not he had accomplices.
Theories as to Mr. Tingle’s motive abound among the Chicago officers. One theory is that he was told about the ban on catnip that is supposedly present in the upcoming healthcare bill. Others believe that he wanted to test his new AK-47, which police found taped to the bottom of his litterbox. Still others believe that the Devil made him do it.
Henry Grebbins was forty-seven years old when he died. He is survived by Mr. Tingle and his human sister, Sally, who consented to speak to UnNews on the condition that she remain anonymous. According to Sally, who wore a 1/16-scale statue of Barack Obama around her neck for the interview, Henry was a fiercely patriotic person.
"He would never have allowed a President, sitting or otherwise, to be shot in cold blood." Sally told UnNews. "Unless that President was a complete cheese-munching Nazi-Fascist orangutan, and his death would result in world peace and prosperity for all mankind, and it would save the lives of millions of innocent people whose only crime was that they were different. Now that we have Barack the Christ in power, he must be protected at all costs. On second thought, maybe we should go ahead and kill him; that way he can rise three days later and reign in all his true glory. Think of it! All the nations that hate us now will suddenly love us because we are being ruled by friggin’ god! The war on Islam will end, because Allah will be on our side. Europe and China will stop being atheist and bow down before the true god. It will be the return of the Garden of Eden!"
Sally then proceeded to scamper down the street, singing worship songs to President Obama.
