UnNews:Carbon monoxide to replace carbon dioxide as an archaeological tool
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 March 2013
Carbon dioxide, the once-reliable tool used in carbon datings, will largely be replaced by carbon monoxide in the very near future - geologically speaking. Archaeologists have found numerous instances where carbon dioxide has proved insufficient for determining the exact dates of events in the distant past. The most glaring error was found within dinosaur study.
Saurians - those silly, lumbering sacks of meat and ferocious rows of teeth - were originally thought to have expired "somewhere around the year 6000BC, give or take a few" by everyone. It has now been found - within reasonable doubt - that this is not nearly precise enough. We want to know the exact date the brutes dropped dead, no excuses. Careers have nearly been terminated because of this silly, prancing avoidance of exactitude. The culprit? Carbon dioxide.
Doctor Eminent, the all-round scientific genius, sheds light on the mysteries of these two closely-named chemical compounds: "Carbon dioxide - oh hello there - was used... do you know anything about the subject? All right, I shall describe it in layman terms. Carbon dioxide was used for dating carbon things in the past. Far into the past they sent the carbon dioxide atoms! The atoms brought back convincing results. What happened then? We found out the results were not convincing. How? It was a stroke of genius! What did we do then? We thought about it and decided that there was a fault in our system! What kind of a fault? We were using the wrong chemical compound: CARBON DIOXIDE!! Why was it so bad? Because there was duality about it! DI-oxide! We wanted clear results with no possibility of error whatsoever! How could we achieve that? SIMPLE! We decided to switch---" (at this point, our boom mike guy got bored and just wandered off. I don't remember anything about the rest of the interview myself, because I had lost my rudder).