UnNews:CIA worker lauded for beating

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14 February 2007

An artist's rendition of the "freedom tickles."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A former CIA contractor convicted of mistreating a detainee in Afghanistan who later died has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Honor for his glorious actions in defense of Homeland Security. David Passaro, 40, the first US civilian to have the patriotic assingment of abusing a prisoner since the Iraq and Afghanistan wars began, was first recognized as a great man when the skies parted and a ray from heaven descended during his virgin birth.

Afghan terrorist Abdul Wali was "inteviewed" in June 2003 and mysteriously died two days later. Mr Wali, an Afghan terrorist, had gone to the US authorities voluntarily out of fear of divine retribution for his heinous crime of being a Muslim.

US District Court Judge Terrence Boyle, sitting in Raleigh, North Carolina, said that a lack of an autopsy and the fact the act was done out of love for one's country kept Mr Passaro from being charged with murder, and instead earned him praise and love from all true Americans. He is expected to win the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize as well. A Catholic, Mr Passaro is set to be canonized by 2012.