UnNews:Bush unveils new system for trying terrorists

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

6 September 2006

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In the middle of a rainbow (not the gay kind, fruitcake) tour of the US to spread his message of peace, love, and killing anyone who isn't with him, president Bush has revealed many incredible things, such as the revelation that terrorists, apparently, have some kind of issue with us. I'm not too well versed on this subject, but there's one thing I do know: big media crazy trials are awesome.

And that is apparently what has gotten Bush's attention. Originally his idea of trials was that soldiers could decide, using a special color scale, whether or not someone was a terrorist or a god fearing white male. In the former case they would despense justice quickly through the barrels of their justice makers.

However, Bush realized that this system of trial wasn't terribly fun to watch, so he made up a new one. However, Supreme Court TV, a satellite television network, still wouldn't cover it. They claimed that their board of directors never authorized the show to air and that if prisoners were being tortured in hidden cells during their trials and not allowed to attend it might bring down ratings.

Finally Bush has unveiled a plan that will create a uniform system for trying terrorists, suspected terrorists, and those suspected of being suspected terrorists. The system makes use of Guantanamo Bay's nearness to water by allowing the creation of sophisticated "terrorist detection levers" which would dunk prisoners into the water.

Anyone who drowns and is accepted by the water will be buried in a shallow grave and receive a full apology. However, if the terrorist floated (remember, people from the dessert don't like water, and vice versa) then they would be proved a terrorist and forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Below is an artist's conception of what the trials might look like:

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"She turned me into a newt!" Exclaims the prosecutor in the trial of Ali Hassan Al Sillyname. We went to the quaint town of Alsmokingcrater, Afghanistan to see what comments we could get from noted kitten huffer Osama Bin Laden, but failing that we just assume he said something about death to America and the Jews, and those pesky women.

Sources

• "Bush makes poopy, Cheney "not cleaning that up"" ', 9 06 2006