UnNews:Bush derides "Abstinence only" in combat on global warming
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
12 February 2007
WASHINGTON, DC: In response to scientific alarm bells going off inside the Federal Department of Science, President Bush officially announced yesterday his latest plan to fight the scourge of global warming: launching giant satellites into space to block out deadly solar radiation.
Also at the news conference, NASA administrator Mike Griffin explained to reporters that the new planetary protection system will consist of dozens of thousand-mile wide sheets of paper-thin synthetic polymers (manufactured at the Trojan Synthetic Polymer Corporation) unfurled from compact hermetically-sealed capsules, and should be ready to place into geosynchronous orbit within the millennium. When questions arose on exactly how much additional NASA funding will be required to implement Program SunBlock 3000, Griffin ran away all of a sudden.
In a prepared statement to journalists, the President reiterated his lifelong pledge to save Earth's fragile environment by any and all unconventional means possible. In response to whether or not this bold new plan will undermine the ongoing efforts of the draconian Kyoto Accords to curtail harmful greenhouse emissions, Bush said "Let's face it, attempting to force booming industries to cut down on their emissions runs entirely contrary to their wild youthful urges. Hell, they're probably gonna do it no matter what we tell them to do, anyway. These here orbiting sun blockers of ours will constitute an irreplaceable insurance policy for when, I mean if the international Kyoto agreements fail to work." When questions arose on exactly how much the new system will cost, Bush blew a kiss to the reporters and said "Goodnight everybody!" and played his Nintendo DS all the way back to his underground bunker. The President's CIA bodyguards stated to a reporter later that day, after being inquired about the Nintendo DS, "It keeps him busy."
Traditional environmentalists the world over responded with extreme anger over Bush's insane proposal. They claim that the new policy, if implemented, will only serve to encourage industrial promiscuity, leading to vastly increased levels of unwanted pollution.
"The President's plan is absolutely preposterous and wrong-headed!", declared former Vice President Al Gore on Meet the Press yesterday morning while scratching his testicles. "This so-called policy of encasing our entire planet with thin sheets of space-borne rubber will only give the official green light to our impressionable young corporations that anything goes. The only reasonable course of action against global warming is to forbid industry from practicing the immoral behaviors that lead to harmful emissions in the first place. Remember, abstinence always works!"
Bush's ambitious plans was not totally rejected. Prominent Bush supporter Pamela Anderson volunteered to send her silicone implants into space whenever possible. "How about even building a Death Star?" asked the former Baywatch star sheepishly while stroking her nipples.