UnNews:Brandy charged with "driving while black"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 February 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA - The California Highway Patrol, star of the television situation comedy (sitcom) CHiPs, recommended that singing sensation and would-be actress Brandy Norwood be charged with "driving while black" after her car lost control of itself on a freeway, killing another female motorist.
Originally, police wanted her to be charged with vehicular manslaughter, despite the fact that the victim, Awatef Aboudihaj, 38, is--or was--female, but the city attorney said that he would never be able to obtain a conviction on such a charge.
The entertainer’s Land Rover, which Brandy says “has always had a mind of its own,” slammed into the victim's Toyota at a speed of approximately 65 miles per hour. Brandy believes that the Land Rover was motivated by xenophobia, an irrational fear of strangers. “It’s always been skittish around cars that were made outside the United States,” she said. If this is true, police said, either the automobile, its driver, or both may also face hate crime charges.
The facts that Brandy was alone in her vehicle and neither drugs nor alcohol were involved in the car crash lends credibility to the singer’s belief that her Land Rover acted on its own accord.
As a result of the accident, the victim suffered multiple pelvic fractures, which could come in handy should her surviving loved ones wish to pursue litigation against Brandy. However, the Highway Patrol insists that the actress be charged with “something.” Nick Velázquez, the Highway Patrol’s spokesman, said, “I mean, we can’t just pretend it never happened. She killed a woman.”
“The city attorney suggested the ‘driving while black’ charge as a means of disposing of the matter in as Hollywood-friendly a fashion as is possible under the circumstances,” Valesquez explained. The charge carries a possible sentence of one year in jail and a $1,000 fine.
Already, Jesse Jackson has called for Brandy to be cleared of all charges. “So what if that Arab bitch is dead? Brandy’s a black woman, and a successful one at that, a Granny Award winner and the star of two or three TV things--Mattel even made a black Barbie voodoo doll in her image. That’s what this witch hunt is really all about--racist white-ass America can‘t stand no black woman to be rich and famous. The black community, the gay and lesbian community, the Rainbow Coalition won’t stand for this!”
Upon hearing of Jackson’s statement, Brandy said she wished he’d butt out. “I already have the best defense attorney money can buy.”
Nevertheless, the rich and famous black woman’s troubles may be just beginning, as the dead woman’s parents have sued her for $50 million because, they said, “it’s a nice, round figure.”
Meanwhile, Brandy is said to have traded her murderous Land Rover in for a new Toyota in memory of her victim.
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