UnNews:Blair promotes dead-powered power plants

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16 February 2007

"We mustn't allow this shocking waste of life to continue."

London -- In his parting speech to the CBI, Prime Minister Tony Blair today called for Iraq's abundant new natural resource -- its dead -- to be used in proposed "dead-powered power plants" as a radical alternative to new nuclear energy.

"Look, we've seen such an awful loss of life already. The latest count is 666,665 bodies that have missed being properly processed and my government is simply not prepared to see this shocking waste continue. It's infuriating to think that we're making the same mistake the Germans did by squandering the supply, though of course in the 1940s they didn't have the benefit of today's conversion technology."

A policy intended to secure Britain's energy needs for at least the next thirty years, the proposed use of the reliable stream of dead Iraqis is not without its critics: "I'm going to be sick -- fetch me something to be sick in!" was the response from opposition leader David Cameron.

Mr Blair was keen to allay any concern about the security of the supply by saying the plants would not be solely Iraqi-reliant:

"This isn't just about Iraq -- when we nuke Iran, arrangements will be made to ship their dead too; actually I should say to you that irradiated corpses are even better -- they're slower rotters, if you will, and the fresher the bodies the better. Less refrigeration means it's also kinder to the environment."

Greenpeace, who vigorously opposed the government's proposal to reduce Britain’s carbon emissions with the building of new nuclear power stations, has given a cautious welcome to the plans. Their spokesman, David Icke, said the policy was a "realistic alternative to atomic power," adding, "look at your average crematorium, everyone knows that it's just gentle, wispy grey smoke that's pumped out and that can't hurt the sky much, can it?"

The prime minister also addressed the tricky problem of getting people to part with their loved ones:

"I understand that grieving relatives might want to bury their loved-ones in the normal way, but we simply say to them, 'Look, let us take away your dead or you’ll get shot in the head.' A quite convincing argument, and if they refuse it's hardly a problem."