UnNews:BBC unveils plan to clone Natasha Kaplinsky

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 February 2007

The future: how it will look. There are no plans to clone Dermot.

BBC Headquarters, Britain: BBC bosses are set to clone popular news anchor Natasha Kaplinsky in an effort to win over viewers. By producing 'as many as fifty' Natasha duplicates, the corporation hopes to launch a 'sizzling summer schedule' of clone-related programmes.

"In retrospect, it was an easy decision to make," said BBC Director-General Mark Thompson. "By combining sci-fi with reality television, we will capture the hearts and minds of the British public. In fact, we've spent a billion pounds on 'Clone-plinsky' merchandise. Would you like some? Please, here, take these car window stickers," he pleaded, although we didn't take any.

Natasha's reaction

The original Natasha Kaplinsky, hereafter known as NK001, was said to be nonplussed at the news that she will lose her individuality. But there's nothing she can do, as her contract explicitly states that the BBC can conduct hideous experiments on her genetic material. "I was a bit reluctant at first," said the smiley BBC Breakfast presenter, "but having cells extracted from my womb and my brainwaves mapped was a small price to pay to keep my job. I'm sure that me and my replicates will get along just fine."

She had better hope so, because NK001 will have to watch her clones growing in tanks as part of a new series entitled 'My Face in the Vat'. The show will mark a change of pace for the presenter, more used to insubstantial fluff segments on BBC Breakfast than the monstrous fruits of science gone mad. And that is only the beginning.

New programmes

An earlier experiment, seen here with Mr Blobby.

Starting with a celebrity-packed 'Clone Night', where the clones will be removed from their artificial wombs to take part in a series of gruelling challenges, the BBC has a plethora of clone-themed programmes on the drawing board. 'Strictly Clone Dancing' will follow the trials and tribulations of five different Kaplinsky clones as they attempt to impress the judges with their ballroom, tap and breakdancing skills. NK001 will get close up and personal with her clones in hard-hitting reality show 'House of Clones', where she will spend ten weeks isolated from the world, with only twenty copies of herself for company.

The clones will also make an appearance on other BBC franchises, with Panorama planning a special on the discrimination faced by disfigured Natasha clones in the workplace, and Little Britain getting the new catchphrase "I'm the only clone in this village!"

Controversy

Not everyone is happy with the BBC's decision to meddle with the very fundament of life itself. Criticisms have ranged from 'totally unethical' to 'waste of money' to 'boring'. Mark Thompson defended the BBC's record on artificial organisms, pointing to the success of the Teletubbies. "They all died because their internal organs grew too big, and nobody gave a damn," he pointed out, adding "Defying nature makes great television. Not many people know that Muffin the Mule was a surgically-altered war orphan. We've come a long way since then."

Sources

• Muesli Sandal "Mark Thompson's taste for human flesh" The Guardian, 24 March 2005

• Foxhunt Blunderbuss "Human flesh, liked by Mark Thompson" The Telegraph, 25 March 2005