UnNews:Andrew Jackson rises from grave; criticizes government
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 January 2010
NASHVILLE, Tennessee - On the first anniversary of Barack Obama's presidency, the seventh President of the United States and co-founder of the Democratic Party, Andrew Jackson, created a stir by criticizing the current administration and Congress. Oh, and from being undead.
Upon waking up from his long slumber, the first thing the presidential corpse did was read a newspaper. The front page headline was apparently a story highlighting Obama's first year as president. Jackson, now even greener in flesh than on the $20 bill, immediately barged into the state capital building, with newspaper still in hand, and demanded a press conference.
"This is an outrage," said the furious dead man in a deep, raspy voice. "Why in Heaven's name is a Negro leading this nation? Should he not be on a plantation somewhere?" When told that slavery had been abolished, the undead Jackson went crazy and started throwing things. Reporters eventually calmed him down by telling him that Obama is half-white. "Hoo-hoo, I see Jefferson's been at it again!", he chuckled. Several reporters claim they could hear Jackson mumble, "Thank the Lord it is at least not a damn Injun."
Once behind the podium, the first question reporters asked Jackson was how he was walking among the living. "It is because this country has gone to Hell," he wittingly replied.
Next was about President Obama's extreme spending and lack of fiscal responsibility. "This is the direct result of paper dollars. Back when we had hard money, people knew the value of a dollar. No longer. This damn paper money has brought us nothing but sorrow!" Someone asked how he proposed the pay off the nation debt and end the recession. "The first thing we need to do is greatly cut spending. I do not care what the economic elitists say, it is a good thing to do, and most certainly does NOT bring about depressions. Second, we need to reinstate slavery. Good old slave-trading has taken a many of men out of poverty. Trust me."
He was asked his opinion on the modern Democratic Party. "I feel I should be pleased from their ability to raise the common man's participation in government. However, I am not. The size of the government and its powers is abominable. I should have foreseen the mistake in expanding suffrage. Governance is a dirty game fit only for The Aristocrats!"
The final question reporters were able to ask him was his thoughts on Washington's trillions of dollar worth of bailouts to several megabanks.
"They did WHAT?!" Jackson shouted, before having a massive heart attack and dying a second time.
Paramedics tried to revive Jackson, only to have his body desolve into a pile of dust. Jackson's dusty remains are currently being spread across the original Trail of Tears in memorial of the racist old bastard.
"It's a huge dissapointment," said teary-eyed Tennessee Daily News reporter Alice Chamblain. "There are so many questions left unanswered. From his thoughts on the military, to modern American culture, and even what the afterlife is like. He could have been the great leader this country needs once again." This UnNews reporter tried to confort Chamblain by offering to take her to a hotel room to make her forget about Old Hickory. Unfortunately, she told me to bug off. I'm paraphrasing.
When asked on the comment on Andrew Jackson's brief resurrection and criticism, President Obama simply stated "he's a jackass".