UnNews:Anderson Cooper makes stunning announcement

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 July 2012

After fifteen minutes of displaying the same message, the CNN news crawl apparently collapsed and died from a sudden, fatal hyperventilation attack.

NEW YORK, New York -- On Monday, during the broadcast of his nightly show Anderson Cooper 360°, esteemed CNN host, presenter and journalist Anderson Cooper astonished America with the announcement that he is, in fact, Tom Cruise. For most of Monday, speculation ran rampant that Cooper was about to address a recent profile written about him by Daily Beast blogger Andrew Sullivan. However, the actual announcement, which Cooper ran through in a polished-but-hurried manner, seemed to catch the media members in attendance off-guard, with most of them staring at each other in stunned disbelief. One reporter was seen pausing in mid-faint as Cooper reached under his collar and pulled off what turned out to be an extremely life-like silicone mask. His true identity revealed, Cruise then sprinted from the set, with both arms pumping up-and-down in a regular fashion, to a waiting helicopter, which carried him to the set of his sci-fi thriller Oblivion, currently in production in Reykjavík, Iceland. Speaking through the howling wind, Cruise answered questions from a single intrepid reporter while clinging one-handed to one of the helicopter's skids.

"Recently, I began to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my long-kept secret outweigh personal and professional principle," Cruise shouted over the thrum of the rotor. "While living a double life as both the most in-demand Hollywood action star and a respected journalist has never been easy for me, it became clear to me that I could no longer maintain the secret. Furthermore, I have given some the mistaken impression that I was trying to hide something—something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true."

He continued: "The fact is, I am Tom Cruise! Always have been! Always will be! And I couldn't be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud!"

According to Cruise, only a select group of Church of Scientology insiders knew about his twenty-year-long secret career as a newsman. When asked if his wife knew about it, he shouted "of course not! We—I mean I, personally—keep her very very busy with other, much more important things!"

Cruise went on to thank his family, friends, and, most importantly, his advisors from the Church of Scientology for helping to maintain his secret for so long. "It's been an awesome ride," he said. "Spending all these years without sleep, constantly running back and forth between my movie sets and 'Cooper's' locations—it was the most challenging character I have ever played! It was fantastic! But I felt the time has come for me to spend more time with my family! Especially my wife! Kate! Who I'm sure will be thrilled to be spending more time with me! I love that woman!" Asked about his impending divorce and custody battle, Cruise shouted "I don't know what you're talking about! God! I love that woman! Woo!"

"Not gay! Remember, fellas! Write it down! 'Not gay!'"

Arriving in Reykjavík, the helicopter was greeted by a raucous crowd of reporters and fans who cheered and clapped as Cruise dropped from the helicopter onto the landing pad, executing a perfect shoulder roll. "However, I have to say I am definitely not gay," said Cruise to no one in particular, flashing a four-hundred-watt smile to the applauding throng. "Not gay," he repeated. "Seriously, I will sue your asses."

When a correspondent for Inside Edition inquired if it had been easy for the high-strung Cruise to maintain the persona of the even-tempered, some would say somnolent Cooper for so many years, Cruise cowed the reporter with his trademarked intense glare for several moments, before breaking the tension with a line from one of his more-famous flicks. "It's not easy for me, being Anderson Cooper out here for you," shouted the ebullient Cruise, as nearby media members hooted with appreciative laughter. "It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about." After a moment of applause, Cruise suddenly zeroed in on an anchor being lowered into the water on the other side of Reykjavík Harbor, and sprinted off-set with both arms pumping in a regular, up-and-down fashion, as music from out of nowhere swelled to a climax. Cruise, apparently shouting "Don't go in the water Kate! I'll save you Kate!" then dove into the icy waters, emerging an hour later with the anchor rope in his teeth.

There was no immediate word as to whether there were any survivors aboard the ship to which the anchor belonged.

Source

• The Daily Beast "Anderson Cooper: "I am Tom Cruise!"" dailybeast.com, July 1, 2012