UnNews:4chan sold to the Chinese Government

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Is this all my life will amount to? I gave up almost twelve years of my life for this shit site, everything else I've done has failed. I've tried to escape, tried to become a better man but none of my friends care. They're laughing, having a good time but when they see me they look the other way. Everyone calls me a faggot. Everyone calls me a cuckold. I worked hard keeping the site running, I went to court for these people but they don't care. Nothing really matters now. I've amounted to nothing.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Internet users of the image board 4chan, a discussion forum notorious for using language inappropriate for children, are in uproar following news that the site had been sold to the People's Republic of China. The founder and former administrator of 4chan, Christopher Poole (known by the web moniker moot, like his romantic prospects), announced the transfer of ownership on the website. The message, reproduced here, states:

“ Today, I'm pleased to announce that the government of the People's Republic of China, a sovereign nation founded on the ideals of fraternal brotherhood and eternal revolutionary struggle, has taken my place as the owner of 4chan.

The Chinese government is a pioneer in the world of regulating and managing anonymous online communities, and can be thought of as a kindly uncle who watches every word you type, to keep you safe from harm. The Great Leap Forward sparked an era of scientific progress and world prosperity that led to the creation of the internet, the thing that 4chan uses to do thingies? I'm no good with servers. None of us would be using 4chan today—or potentially any technology at all—if it weren't for the great People's Republic.

I met Xi Jinping, General Secretary of the Communist Party, glorious executioner of the Tibetan counter-revolutionaries, and we became fast friends, bonding over our shared passion of creating and managing systems by which the private information of users gets sold to the highest bidder, and watching burly foreign men service our loved ones. There is nobody more qualified than Xi to lead 4chan, and I can't think of a person better suited for the task.

4chan sits on the eve of two great milestones—its 2 billionth post and 12th 4chan pass purchase! It has been a terrible burden to serve as 4chan's founder and scapegoat for almost twelve years, and I can't wait to see what lays in store under China's experienced leadership, at least until they find my emaciated corpse floating in the Hudson. I am a shell of a man. Let it end.

”

Poole later stated that a site obsessed with Chinese cartoons would find it easier to transition to the new leadership, although the backlash shows the transition might be less East & West Germany, and more Caitlyn Jenner. Topical humor. Ha ha. Seriously, I am a goddamn journalist not some shitty Buzzfeed blogger, why the fuck am I writing about what a bunch of Type 2 diabetics on some shitty Bhutanese embroidery site are whinging about. I almost won a Pulitzer, I wrote for the New York Times.

Users of 4chan are concerned that a government that has acted maliciously and infringed on the privacy of its citizens in the past now runs a site meant to be a bastion of free speech and anonymous protection, to which the new Chinese-appointed administrator of the site, Hiroyuki Nishimura, said: "Free speech? Anonymous? Is this 2004? You stupid. We have audit log here, show IP address and sexual preference all in one page. NSA see, Russia see, China see, Google see, for you show ad for dragon dildo and trap porn. Go fuck yourself. Go 8chan and fondle toothpick dick to child porn there you degenerate fuck."

Nishimura, Japanese web-developer and founder of the Japanese textboard 2channel, was fired from his job at 2channel after selling private information of the users there to the Chinese government. He fled the country, and now runs the Chinese Ministry of Public Internet Safety, a government agency tasked with finding and executing Chinese political dissidents on the internet. Before he was fired and forced to leave Japan, he worked for internet entrepreneur Jim Watkins, who owns a string of Filipino shell corporations used for tax evasion and deviant sexual acts with young, nubile ladyboys. Watkins currently owns 2channel and 8chan, which has sparked conspiracy theories about 4chan's sale to the Chinese.

Was the sale part of a master plan concocted by Nishimura and Watkins, both backed by the Chinese government, colluding to control the two largest English-speaking imageboards on the internet? Do they simply want to milk the userbase with shitty ads and malware, or is their something more sinister afoot? And are the Jews involved in any way?

8chan users, many of whom fled 4chan after Poole banned discussion of sexy video game journalists or whatever, gloated as usual at the apparently impending collapse of their rival site. But with ties between Nishimura, Watkins and the Chinese uncovered, many 8chanaanites wonder if they are as truly free from 4chan's influence as they think.

Watkins responded to queries about this conspiracy theory by stating: "no one gives a shit lol get a life losers banging azn hoes like u cant believe. No further comment."

As the new owners of 4chan, the government of China has already instated a mandatory 24 hour 'government loyalty' captcha, a $4.99 hourly fee, and a revolutionary new ad-delivery method: the user's speakers will emit louder and higher noises when the user's gaze isn't fixed on the new banner ads.

Sources

• Isaac, M. (2015, September 21). 4chan Message Board Sold to Government of China. Retrieved September 23, 2015.