UnGames:Make it to Ketchikan/Why Ketchikan?

Huh? Ketchikan, you say?

Click this link to go back to the game.

Here on Uncyclopedia, we talk about going to Ketchikan almost constantly. You, as John, the protagonist of this story, have had a constant urge to get to Ketchikan for ages upon ages. But what you have never understood is why you have constantly felt this urge to go there.

Why Ketchikan is such a strange choice for a place of refuge

You, the notorious moccasin-sporting John.

If you think about it, Ketchikan is probably one the worst places on the continent to flee to from Ojai, at least based on a rational man's initial instincts. It's one of the rainiest places on Earth, so someone who's used to the fairly dry conditions of Ojai and elsewhere in Ventura County would probably struggle in the weather conditions of Ketchikan. Also, Alaskans are not exactly known for welcoming tourists and newcomers, and those who are oblivious to the ways of the Great White North, such as yourself. Not to mention that everything in Alaska is expensive as fuck, so penny-pinching bottom-feeders such as you would likely struggle to survive there, especially considering your complete lack of survival skills necessary for life in the Last Frontier. And obviously, Ketchikan is really far away, so it'll be super hard to get there.

But, that is, as previously stated, the (initial) analysis of a rational man. And you are far from a rational man. You're motherfucking John, a pedophilic, moccasin-loving, Discord-lurking madman and jail escapee who was somehow turned pregnant by a bunch of police penguins.

The pros of making it to Ketchikan

• If you make it to Ketchikan, you will have completed one of the longest and hardest text adventures on Uncyclopedia, so you would get plenty of bragging rights
• You will traverse tons upon tons of environments of all different sorts, and along the way you will likely gain at least some of the necessary skills required to survive in this surreal moccasin-ridden universe.
• You may possibly encounter the intergalactic dark sorceress Luna along the way: rumors are circulating that she has returned to plunge the landlocked mountain nation of Moccasinia into chaos, and she may be well on her way to enslaving and conquering the entire world as well. You have defeated her before, hopefully you could do it again. You are the world and the universe's only hope (presumably.)
• You like salmon, don't you? Well, perhaps you, <insert name here>, don't, but your virtual avatar John certainly does. And Ketchikan, if you didn't know, is considered the "salmon capital of the world."
• Ketchikan is a great place for outdoor enthusiasts, and you probably wouldn't be trekking across the continent if you weren't an true outdoor enthusiast. But then again, you're sitting at a computer reading some dorky website called Uncyclopedia, so…
• There's probably a lot more reasons out there, but we couldn't write them all down (yet).

Conclusion

Come on, get out there, and make it to Ketchikan. Follow your instincts, John! Hurry up and get going!