UnGames:Make it to Ketchikan/OfficeNewspaper
You take a look at the newspaper. It's an issue of the UnSignpost that was never officially distributed, presumably due the executives being bribed to keep its information out of the public eye.
Elevator Travels Inc., which is responsible for the controversial tourist attraction known as the "Hellevator", has filed for bankruptcy. This came about after the company lost numerous lawsuits from the families that lost their loved ones from one of the Hellevator's "minigames", despite Elevator Travels arguing that they're not the ones orchestrating them.
The Hellevator is assumed to go up for bidding in June. Among the people who have shown interest in bidding for it are billionaires Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, the Wikimedia Foundation, Russia and a currently anonymous bidder who has chosen to go by the pseudonym "Olivia Catterene". The UnSignpost has tried to get an interview with Olivia ever since the news broke, but to no avail.
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Moccasinia to close its borders effective immediately
By "Open Season" the Movie (played by The Incredible Mr. E)
In a shabby press conference in Muohkasen yesterday, the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, first of his name, announced that Moccasinia will be closing its borders with immediate effect. This is in response to growing civil unrest over the past year, when it was revealed that Móckasiin's son ate a normally-shaped loaf of bread at his royal palace. Móckasiin has claimed that "treason will be met by intense moccafication", although most of the population of Moccasinia is more concerned with surviving than rioting over royal integrity following the US embargoing Moccasinia in early March.
Modern experts believe that this closing of the borders will not last, due to Moccasinia not having the military or technological capabilities to enforce it at this point in time. One professor Wageslav has argued that attempting to enforce the border closing will leave Moccasinia without the troops to prevent any communist uprisings brought about by the terrible living conditions and autocratic government.
Biopic
We ran out of time to make a biopic for this edition. Check back next time for a ground-breaking analysis of the ugliest, most vile person you can possibly think of!
From The Logs
- April 17th, 2017: Wageslav protected Kicking pigeons is FUN! (edit=autoconfirmed) (indefinite)[move=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) (PIGEON LOVERS BEGONE)
- March 25th, 2017: Zombiebaron changed user rights for Wageslav from rollbacker and thumbsucker to rollbacker, thumbsucker and administrator (Unanimous IRC vote)
- January 21st, 2017: The United States changed user rights for Donald Trump from billionaire to billionaire and POTUS (Congratulations on the victory, Mr. Trump. And God Bless America!)
Top VFH Competitors
- I don't know what a "VFH" is (???/???)
- Same as above (???/???)
- See above, again (???/???)
VFH Highlight Of The Week Wait, why do we even have this section to begin with? (???/???)
From The Forums
UnSignpost News Most of the userbase quit years ago, so I don't know who will be left to receive this edition. I hope at least one of them do, because this stuff takes actual effort to make.
Quote of the Week Kippy: And then he was turned into a walrus! Funniest thing I've ever seen.
Well, that was all fucking useless. Did you even read all of that? Doesn't matter, you've got a journey to get back to.